Ask Tod Anything: Part IV

Welcome to the Roost once again, where my rantings find a place to rest. I am very pleased to say that I just last night received several pages of questions from you all, sent to me by Anna, that you– the readers of my humble blog– have done me the honor of asking. So that is what this post (and perhaps the next post or two, depending on how much I go on with my answers… don’t want to send Anna a novelette to type out) will be about.

And in the interest of keeping this as short as I can, I will jump right in. I have no name or any idea who these questions came from, just the questions in numerical order.

1.) What is the significance of the name of your blog? Who came up with it, you or Anna?

The name was solely my idea and only I can be blamed for it. I have an interest in mythology. I like mythology of all kinds, but am probably best versed in Scandinavian/Germanic mythology and folklore. And that is where Muninn comes from. (It can be spelled Munin as well.)

In Scandinavian teachings, there is a god named Odinn (otherwise known as Woden, Wodan, Wotan, or Woten) and this god, who is the primary godhead, is the original god of consciousness from whom all other gods (and all other conscious beings) is derived, directly or indirectly. In short, he is the god who rules over all others. In folklore, Odinn has two ravens on whom he relies to fly over this world and report back to him to keep him informed of what is going on here. These ravens are Huginn and Muninn. (They are really metaphorical aspects of Odinn’s consciousness.) Scandinavian and Germanic words have more than one meaning depending on how, where, and when they are used, and these two words are no different. In this context, Huginn means thought or he who thinks, and Muninn means memory or he who remembers.

There is a book in Scandinavian folklore called the Elder Edda, or Poetic Edda. (Some consider this to be a holy book.) In this book there is a story: Grimnismál (the lay of Grimnir) in which Odinn is captured by an evil and greedy king. (Germanic gods are often portrayed with human aspects and vulnerabilities… they can age, they can be captured, sometimes on purpose as with this story, and they can even die). Odinn is shown a kindness by the king’s ten-year-old son, whom he rewards (in part) with knowledge, some of which is knowledge of the gods. (Neither the king nor the boy know it is Odinn whom they have captured.) And during that exchange, Odinn tells the boy the following:

Huginn and Muninn fly every day
over the expansive earth;
I am anxious about Huginn, that he will not come back,
Though I fear even more for Muninn.

In this strophe, I believe the importance of memory to the Germanic peoples is being exemplified.

Now, all that said, Muninn’s Roost is where I can put my memories– and yes, thoughts too, but I think memory to be very important, as that is really all I have left in this cage. And although (or, perhaps, because) my consciousness is stifled by the horrific environment that surrounds me, I cling desperately to these thoughts from my past.

I actually put a lot of thought into the name for the blog– and– I was hopeful that someone might ask after the name’s origin so I could show off my Germanic folklore chops…just kidding… maybe…

2.) Beer or wine? Coke or Pepsi? McDonald’s or Burger King?

In my youth I put away my fair share of beer (Budweiser for the most part) but as I got into my mid-twenties I developed a fondness for a Guinness Stout (not technically a beer) but I also kept a couple of bottles of decent wine around as well.

It has been some amount of time (a very long time) but I liked Pepsi as a kid.

I lived in a pretty rural area of Colorado (drove over fifty miles to buy groceries) and in that town there was no Burger King or McDonald’s that I recall…but there was a place called Don’s Drive-In that had a teriyaki mushroom burger on a homemade bun that was like six inches across, and that was unbelievably good! So I guess my answer to that last part is, Don’s Drive-In!

3.) How would you describe your political leanings?

Wow! I could write a novelette on what I think about what is going on in the U.S. government. But in the interest of keeping this as simple and short as I can… both of the parties have some, and I emphasize some good ideas. (I am all for freedom… of all types. I don’t much care for repression of any kind.) However, both parties also have some of what I see as horrifically bad ideas. I was not there of course, but from what I can gather about what is going on in Washington D.C. right now, I don’t think (in my opinion of course) that it is what the founders of this democratic experiment called the United States of America really had in mind. So I guess I could say my “political leanings” are at best disappointment, at worst, disgust. (And these feelings are Pre-Trump if you are interested… but now? I just sit here open-mouthed in total bewilderment.)

4.) Which is better, Star Trek or Star Wars?

I grew up on Star Trek (the original series– yes, I am old) and the swashbuckling Captain Kirk. Cavorting with green slave girls and saving whole planets was every kid’s dream! (I was too young to pick up on the political messages being sneaked in by the studio heads and censors at the time; that came later.) But Star Wars is a much more involved story full of deeply fleshed-out characters people can invest in… so both are good in their own ways. However, that silly Star Trek always had a place in me as part of my childhood– a simple and safe place I can always visit in my mind.

5.) Are you a cat person or a dog person? Do you have a favorite breed?

Do I have to choose? I am a great lover of animals of all sorts. I’ve had both– at the same time, even– and loved them equally. As far as breeds go… I don’t even know what breed she was, but I had a huge white cat I was very fond of. Anna has three cats, and she often sends me pictures and updates, which I enjoy.

Dogs? I had a boxer that was my very best friend as a child. As an adult, I had a black lab/Malamute mix (she looked like a large Labrador) that was one of the smartest dogs I have ever seen, and was a good friend.

I have also had snakes as pets, and a grey tree/house squirrel that seemed to think he was a dog (an exercise in patience I do not recommend… squirrels make horrible pets!) and… are you ready for this? A raven! Who was… truly beyond friendship… more like a sibling, really. And, yes, the other reason for the name of the blog… his name was Muninn. A relationship (he was not a “pet”– when he was grown, he could come and go as he pleased but almost always slept in my room, often standing on the part of my pillow I wasn’t using) that I would also not recommend for most. It’s like having a very precocious two-year-old child that never grows up! A really good alarm clock, though…when Muninn got up, I got up.

6.) If you’ve ever read Harry Potter, what house do you think you’d be in?

If memory serves (and sometimes it doesn’t) the Sorting Hat chooses, does it not? But rather like Harry, I would be hopeful for Gryffindor. They seemed to have the most fun. (Granted, the books mostly centered around characters that belonged to that house.)

7.) How often do you see a doctor, a dentist, a psychiatrist/psychologist, etc.? How does that work? Do you have to be handcuffed while being examined? Do you leave the prison grounds to get medical checkups or do they come to you? What about if there is an emergency? Would you be chained up in the ambulance?

Good questions! You see someone at medical (rarely if ever “a doctor”– usually someone claiming to be a nurse) after you put in a special form to do so (it’s called a Health Needs Request or H.N.R.) after you submit such a form– it has in the past taken months to see someone, and there have been numerous lawsuits– you now go to medical within a couple of weeks to see someone who asks you what is wrong, takes notes, then puts you on a list to see someone, who puts you on a list to see someone… you get the picture… and this can take months. (But, hey, they can claim they saw you within a certain number of weeks, which satisfies the court ruling.)

Yes, we are always handcuffed, chained, something. The medical unit is on prison grounds so unless it is something really major we do not leave the prison. In case of emergency they can (IE, they deem it needful… I have been sewn up and given an antibiotic course right here.) They will take you to an actual hospital (about an hour away) during which you are chained up in the ambulance and chained up in in the ambulance and chained to a hospital in the ambulance and chained to a hospital gurney when you get there. (Or so I understand anyway– I have never left the prison grounds.)

In short, medical issues often go untreated here. If they do receive some sort of treatment, it is usually inadequate. Mental issues are even worse. They just throw pills at someone who has often been misdiagnosed so usually poorly medicated (thorazine used to be big here… I don’t know if that has changed or not.)

The “medical staff” we get here usually are at the “end of the line” for a medical career and are considered unemployable anywhere else, so we get what the state pays for.

8.) To what extent are issues such as vegetarianism and veganism, gluten sensitivity, kosher/halal religious diets, and allergies accommodated on death row?

I do not know anyone on it because it is…well… I hear it’s just about inedible. But the prison has one diet that covers pretty much all of what you mentioned. It has beans, a lot of rice, and some carrot sticks and celery that cannot be sold in a store so the prison gets it for next to nothing. “Special” diets are discouraged here.

9.) What commissary items are most highly sought after, besides stamps and envelopes?

I don’t really know. It has been a long time (five months? maybe six?) since I have personally purchased anything other than stamps, envelopes, paper, soap, or shampoo. (And I am likely going to shave my head so I can eliminate shampoo.) I suppose it’s an individual thing– a matter of personal likes and dislikes. There are a great deal of unhealthy people that gravitate toward the candy bars and potato chips. If I were able I suppose I would likely supplement the poor nutrition of the high carbohydrate and fat diet they give us with things like the fish and other protein items that are available on the commissary list. I would also suppose coffee would be high on the popular lost. But like I said it is pretty individual for likes and dislikes, I suppose.

10. I saw in a documentary once that, when an inmate is taken away to be executed in Oklahoma, all the other inmates on death row refuse their meal on the night of his death as a show of respect and solidarity for their friend. Do the men in Arizona have any rituals or traditions on the day of an execution, or afterwards, to honor someone who has passed or is about to?

This s a question that will take some “creative” answering. On some death rows in the country, a mindset of “all for one and one for all” is prevalent.

This is so because the death row population is separate from the “normal” (a term I use loosely here!) prison population– which is where things like rapists and child molesters and child killers are not tolerated. Out “on a yard” (another term for a prison unit) these individuals would end up in “ad-seg” (administrative segregation– otherwise known as protective custody.)

In Arizona, our death row functions more like a regular prison unit, in which you have a GP (general population) section and a PC (protective custody) section. As GP, we do not associate with protective custody in any way. This of course results in a schism in the Arizona death row population.

(My mindset is simple: I have children, grandchildren, and female friends on the outside and it would be dishonorable– and, to my mind, insulting to them– if I were to associate with the type of low-life that obviously has no respect for them, or even a semblance of an ethical compass of any kind.) So I personally have issues with rapists and people who commit crimes against children, sexual or otherwise.

But to get back to the question: this separation means that there are no organized tributes of any sort. If we know the person we each observe our own way of showing respect for them, and we do so individually.

For me? I have one that I think of every year on his birthday. (I think of him often of course, but his birthday is spent with him in mind all day.) As long as his memory survives, he survives.

(It should be noted that the “close custody experiment” I mentioned in a previous blog post throws this whole separation thing to the wind. No matter how I mentally address it, I can only imagine bad results coming from it.)

11.) What are the guidelines for what you can theoretically order for your last meal? Is there anything specific you are not allowed to request? Would they give you a beer, a cigarette, or a doobie if you asked for it? And if you had, say, a life-threatening peanut allergy, would you be forbidden from ordering a PB&J? Along similar lines, do you know (or know of) anyone who has made a bizarre or interesting last meal request or plans to do so?

The rules have changed for last meals since I got here. It used to be you could request anything as long as it could be obtained locally and could be cooked at the prison. Then it was, you could request anything as long as it could be obtained locally but you had to pay for it yourself. Now my understanding is that it has to be something the prison already makes….but that could be wrong. (It may still be that you have to buy it if you don’t choose something the prison already makes.)

No, no beer, cigarettes, or doobies. (A joint and a glass of single malt scotch would be my request if either of those things were allowed.) And if the prison is aware of any allergies, then nope, they won’t let you have it.

As far as bizarre requests go… Anna has gone online and cannot seem to find a record of this… but there was a guy who told me he was going to ask for five pounds of fried okra, and a guard said that was what he got.

As I have 32 questions here, I will let Anna take a break and give her typing fingers a rest. If your question has not been answered, worry not; I will get to it. But for now I will stop. I will get to answering the rest of this batch of questions very soon, though, so stay tuned, and please don’t forget to thank Anna, without whom you would not be reading this.

On Blogging, Captivity, and Sanity

Hello again and welcome to the Roost. I understand this thing is doing pretty well in readership. (As most if not all of you know, I do not personally maintain the site. In fact, I’ve never laid eyes on it. I handwrite the content and my very dear friend Anna posts it for me.) I am not sure how I feel about so many reading my thoughts. I suppose I may not have really considered it all that much. (That might actually be a good thing– not thinking too much about it, that is. I have always been pretty private… before this place, anyway…)

I am not sure how I feel about so many reading my thoughts. I suppose I may not have really considered it all that much. (That might actually be a good thing– not thinking too much about it, that is. I have always been pretty private… before this place, anyway…) I have never even kept a journal– not really, anyway.

I have never even kept a journal– not really, anyway. I do have a composition book in which I write meaningful quotes. A sample, out of a book I read a bit ago called Live by Night by Dennis Lehane (wonderful novel) goes: “Violence procreates. The children your violence produces will return to you as savage, mindless things, You won’t recognize them as yours, but they will recognize you. They will mark you as deserving of their punishment. They will punish you for the carelessness of their creation. Violence breeds violence. That is an absolute. But it never returns in a way you can predict.” (That was a “knock me down on my ass” moment reading that novel, and I had to write it down.)

But this blog is about the most open I have ever been. For example, I have never told anyone in here about some of the stuff I wrote in that holiday post I wrote. So this is all pretty new to me.

I suppose my reasons for blogging must go beyond the selfish, as I carry on doing it regardless of the response or lack of response, and deplete my ever-dwindling supply of postage with each entry. There must be some altruism there, right? Or perhaps not… maybe I just need to write to get some of the frustration of this place “off my chest” so to speak. Maybe this is my last flailing attempt at maintaining whatever I have left of my sanity, which can’t be much.

A place like this does change a person. I don’t care how mentally strong a person is– they cannot live in an environment like this for years and years and be the same as when they arrived. I believe I have mentioned watching others go insane in here, but I don’t think I have touched on realizing that you may be joining that crowd. I came in with some background in philosophy but at some point, it begins to become more and more difficult to “wax philosophic” concerning how a society deems people (even people they deem “bad”) and make any sense of it.

I came in with some background in philosophy but at some point, it begins to become more and more difficult to “wax philosophic” concerning how a society deems people (even people they deem “bad”) and make any sense of it.

I even wonder if perhaps my jailers are insane. (Not all of them, mind you, but certainly the ones in charge.) Some of them are not what you would call “the cream of the crop” of society, after all, and those seem to be the ones that advance most readily. (I have seen my share of petty, vicious, small-minded, lying reprobates climb the ladder to success at the Arizona Department of Corrections.)

I remember a time when prison guards would take off their uniforms before they went home because they didn’t want their neighbors to know what they did for a living. (And it wasn’t because the profession was bad…it was because of the reputation of the profession and those who performed it.) They were as bad as, or worse than, those whom they were hired to keep in cages. And that has not changed. The last I knew, about a quarter of the employees who work for ADOC have had felony contact with law enforcement but are given “preferential treatment” by the system because of their “high stress” jobs. And most of those continue to work for ADOC (except for the ones they can’t hide, which is rare– an ADOC corrections guard named Santiago that used to work for this unit who got a “sweet deal plea agreement” and is now sitting in protective custody right here in the Florence Complex prison for killing his own mother– if memory serves, he beat her to death with a cooking pan. I honestly can’t recall all the details…but please tell me again how the death penalty is supposed to be a deterrent? He worked on death row! But this example provides a reasonably accurate picture of many who work here.

But I feel I need to state here that I have seen decent people work here, too. But it must also be stated that most (not all, but surely most) of the good ones do not work for ADOC for very long. They see how fellow human beings are being treated and just cannot morally abide it…they leave the profession altogether. (Compassion is not just looked down upon here; it is vehemently and systematically discouraged.) And the ones that do stay, at some point they either lose their compassion or find a way to pretty thoroughly suppress it. I try to take all of this with the proverbial “grain of salt” but, wow, it is difficult sometimes.

As you might imagine, I have a great deal of time on my hands to think about things. I wonder if, on some psychological level, society just needs something to demonize and hate. When you step back and look, that statement is not as farfetched as it may seem at first gloss. If so, then I think I may be part of the element that serves that purpose.) Some people sure seem to have a lot of hate, though.) But I guess I can sort of look at it this way: At least I am “serving a purpose” right?

Anna tells me that she has received a few mean-spirited and petty emails concerning her role in helping me to reach out from this cage– really, people?!– I guess when you’re anonymous, it is easier to be rude. The internet was not all that big when I was on the outside. People seem more polite when they have to look you in the face. At least where I lived they were.

I would like to know what the issue is? What is it that people fear that makes them lash out like that? (Because, mark my words, they are afraid of something…I guarantee it!) And to lash out at Anna of all people… the gentlest, kindest human soul I have ever known.

But what is it? I live in a cage under sentence of death. I can’t hurt you. So, is your fear that people will know that I am not a sociopathic monster? That, hey, I’m just a person just like everybody else! And maybe people will start asking why someone ends up on death row, instead of assuming the solution lies in just committing another murder and that will solve everything. (Yeah, I’m not the sociopath here… I didn’t keep hundreds of people in cages only to strap them down and pump them full of caustic chemicals to kill them…can you imagine the trial on that one if anyone but the state did it?) But it’s me– us– that are supposedly the monsters…it’s perfectly fine for the state to murder us. Think about that absurdity for a moment… I’ll be honest, it makes me laugh when I consider the stupidity…but then again, my sense of humor has always been a bit warped.

I suppose I have rambled on long enough about nothing in particular. (The whole title of the blog does have “ravings” in there somewhere) and that is what this post is about…nothing. If I want anyone to take something away from it, I will refer you back to that quote from Live by Night: “Violence breeds violence.” If violence procreates, then what, as a society, do you breed by condoning what the state says it does in your name? Revenge is one thing, but you have to be able to sink your own teeth in a thing to get that. A sterilized little murder by proxy, tucked away from the sight of all but a select few witnesses? Now that is the act of a barbaric monster!

When I was on the outside, it was my habit to give gifts to those I care about on the eve of the Solstice (as I write, it is now that very day, the 20th of December). But as I sit destitute in a cage, that is lost to me (as are so many things) I will give you one of my creations in the form of a poem I wrote.

I was asked to write a blog on what my last day alive would be like. I wrote a poem entitled “The Pithing Pen” about a year ago, before I started writing to Anna or doing this blog. It is metaphorical but does get the point across.

Please remember to thank Anna, without whom none of this would be possible. Dear friend, words cannot express my fondness or my gratitude.

 

Ask Tod Anything: Part III

Welcome again to Muninn’s Roost. I am having a lot of fun with all these questions. Thank all of you for being so interested in my situation. Generally, people don’t understand what goes on in a place like this– or understand the justice system at all, really– until they or someone close to them becomes entangled in it. I am happy there is curiosity out there.

And, with that said, let’s get to more of these great questions.

12.) What are some of the silliest or dumbest rules and regulations that govern your day-to-day life? 

Wow, where do I start? They are mostly pretty silly and dumb. By policy, we must all have our trash can in a certain spot. (Oddly enough, it is the only spot in the tiny cage where it is out of the way, and everyone would put it there without that regulation.)

Then there is getting “strip searched” to go to the shower– about 30 feet. After you have handed them all your clothes, been searched, and put them back on, you pick up your bag that has your towel and soap in it. That bag could fit two hand grenades and a pistol, and they never ask to see it, which tells me the strip search is for the purpose of degradation and embarrassment rather than actual security reasons.

The rules they refuse to change– even though they have modified the purpose of the unit– are the ones that actually do harm, though. Where I am housed is an S.M.U. (“special management unit”) and was designed to house people who “have problems fitting into a prison environment”. (What that actually means is that it is a unit designed to punish violent convicts.) So it is a punitive unit in every sense and way. The environment is designed to make people uncomfortable to modify their behavior by making them not want to come back.

Mental health professionals have evaluated S.M.U.’s and have determined that they should not be used to house an individual for more than 6 to 8 months maximum or the mental stability of a person will begin to degrade.

Death row has been in this S.M.U. since 1997! That is nineteen years for those of you who do not want to do the math. And we are not here for punitive reasons. We are here because of the virtue of our crimes on the outside only– this is where death row is housed, and we are on death row, simple as that. So because of that, we are given smaller-portioned meals than someone out “on a yard”. (We are in fact only fed twice a day, while non-S.M.U. inmates on yards are fed three times.) I have not experienced darkness since I got here because the lights are always on. It is purposely kept hot enough in the summer that you sit in your cage and sweat doing nothing, and cold enough in winter that you have trouble staying warm. The list goes on and I could write pages on it but you get the idea. There are lawsuits finally going on concerning medical care…but even that will take years to hash out. So to answer your question, the silly rules one can put up with. It is the ones that are designed purposely to mentally degrade a person that are annoying.

13.) Tell us three things about your daily life on death row that might surprise us. 

Every day runs into the next there. It is very tedious because of its unchanging nature. So I will tell you about me. Perhaps I can surprise you a little bit:

• This “big bad convict on death row” likes to read poetry. I am very fond of Baudelaire and Poe. But I also like Longfellow, Blake, Byron, Coleridge… I find Kipling to be quaint and amusing… I could go on with my likes but you get the idea.
• I am a student of philosophy. (I like to think it…helps?…to keep me from falling too far into the abyss that is insanity.) I stick mainly with the metaphysicians, but I am familiar with all schools.
• And I am an artist. (Not that unusual in prison, actually.) But people say I have flair for drawing pretty flowers. I do draw other things as well, however.

I hope this answer did not leave you feeling cheated.

14.) Not counting lawyers, how many times have you had a face-to-face visitor in the last twelve months? 

The answer is zero! After one is locked up for a while, it seems people get tired of making the trip. (It is a fair piece.) My father was very regular…but he died four years ago this coming January.

15.) How would you want to be remembered by Anna and others in your life after you are gone? 

Likely the same as you want to be remembered by those in your life.

Yes, there are some individuals in prison that thrive on this environment and could live no place else…but most are just people, ground up by a system that is broken and tossed into a cage to try and survive in a world not of their making… a world that cannot be understood by anyone who has not experienced it. Words cannot come close to doing it justice.

16.) Is your execution something you think about daily? 

No, it isn’t. When somebody says, “Haul that one out and kill it!” then it will be my turn. No point in dwelling on it. I actually think that might be a contributing factor to the ones that go truly batshit crazy in this place. In a place like this, it is important to mentally remove oneself from the situation as often as possible.

17.) Have you decided on your last meal and words? 

Anna and I actually discussed this not too long ago, and I will tell you what I told her:

My last meal? I will eat whatever is on the menu that day for the meal. I don’t want those murdering bastards to feel any better about themselves by letting them think they did me some favor or kindness. Execution is nothing more than murder by proxy.

My last words? Don’t know yet. Might be something as simple as, “Slap this horse in the ass; I’ve got things to do!” or I might wax poetic and go on until they stop me. You will have to stay tuned to find out, I guess. I am sure the mood will dictate.

18. Is it unusual for someone to have been on death row as long as you have? Are you unique in being over fifty years old and on death row or is that fairly normal?

There have been four people to die of “natural causes” (whatever that means. I think it’s pretty “natural” to die when they pump you full of caustic chemicals myself.) since I have been here– one was in his eighties! (The funniest, or most tragic depending on how you look at it, was a heart attack while sitting on the toilet!) The longest I know of was killed a couple of years ago after 28 years on the row. (He was almost 80.) No, I am not unusual. There is another in his fifties on my block.

This is why it takes millions of tax dollars to execute someone. They are in the courts for decades! (The last time I totaled it up, the actual drugs cost about $77.00 but that was years ago.)

Talk to your congressman. Ask them why your tax dollars are being wasted when “natural life” means someone never gets out of prison. They die locked up, no chance of parole.

19.) Are you worried about physical pain in your last moments?

No. Pain is something I live with on survival levels every day. (I lived a hard life in the mountains of Colorado for a long time. Been in a motorcycle wreck or two, just “used my body” pretty good. I have a bad back, bad knees, a messed up shoulder…in short, I’m old.) Inadequate medical care means nothing is done for it.  Pain and I are old friends. Besides, as I already said in one of these Q&A posts, I can put up with most anything for fifteen minutes. I am not stressing on it.

20.) To what extent do you find the prospect of life without parole to be more appealing than what you currently face?

Good question… and the short answer is: I don’t. (See the above question as for why.) This is a topic of discussion on occasion in here, and most are in agreement that prison is no place to grow old. In my personal instance, I am currently physically able to work out and I do to an extensive degree, but someday I will not be able to, due to damage to my body from a fast, hard life. When that time comes (if it comes) I imagine I will become very sedentary due to lack of mobility. All the muscle I now maintain around my injured back, knees, etc. will atrophy and I imagine my pain will skyrocket. Not a pretty picture in a place where one is lucky to get an aspirin or an ibuprofen for pain. As stated above… prison is no place to grow old.

Well, I finally got through all the questions! You get a rest, Anna! (I am truly sorry for the voluminous nature of some of these answers. Please forgive me.)

As for my readers… thank you so much, and I am happy that you took the time to interact. I have some good suggestions for future blog posts, so stay tuned! Please, all of you take care.

And please remember, without Anna, none of this would be possible. (Yes, I wrote that and not she.) Again, thank you, Anna. And thank you, everyone, for stopping by the Roost!

Ask Tod Anything: Part II

Greetings again, and welcome to the Roost. I still have a lot of great questions to get to, so that is what this post will be dedicated to doing. (I plan on leaving no question unanswered! If someone has the time to ask, then I certainly must have the time to answer. Time is the one thing I have an abundance of here in my oubliette.)

7.) If you had seventy-two hours of freedom and a modest but reasonable budget, what would you want to do besides seeing your family (assuming you have one). Assume everything you do has to be legal, and can’t be grievously injurious/harmful to yourself and/or others. What would you want to eat, do, see, etc.? (I say “besides spending time with your family for the sake of making the answer more interesting than just “spend time with my family the whole time, the end.”) 

Well, you have taken the fun out of that one! I cannot pay a visit to the lead detective who tampered with witnesses in my case or the judge who used me as a stepping stone in his re-election campaign… Okay, besides those things, then…

First, let me say that Anna has very graciously offered to hang out with me in this hypothetical scenario and I would very much enjoy getting to meet her in person. I am, however, not sure how much she would enjoy at least some aspects of what I would want to do. On the outside, I was a pretty simple person and got enjoyment out of simple things. Ald although I can think of a lot of exciting and wonderful things to do… I have thought a lot about what I miss the most in this cage, and it always seems to be the things I kind of took for granted on the outside. You said no family so that is out. But I am afraid it still may not be interesting for most…

It would start with food. We don’t get much, or very good food at all in this hole. So I would love to meet Anna and her significant other over a meal (dinner perhaps) where the possibilities are endless, but I think I would settle on a porterhouse steak (rare), a baked potato (a big one with sour cream on it), any kind of fresh vegetable (peas with real butter on them would be good), and for dessert… an apple! (We get no fruit here at all.) Or perhaps a pear. And then to top it off, a little bit (would not want to get drunk; I only have seventy-two hours!) of single-malt scotch. I used to drink Glenlivet but any will do. And Anna and I could talk and laugh and enjoy a relaxing meal. Then, (and this is the part I am not sure Anna would enjoy!) there would be a motorcycle involved! I used to build and ride old Harley-Davidsons so ideally it would be one of those. (I know I am on a limited budget here so perhaps I could rent one.) But it would be any motorcycle really. And I would love to find a two-lane mountain highway that twists through an evergreen forest. (I lived in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado before all this.) and enjoy the green, and the smell, and the sunshine.

At some point I would like to find a dirt road off the highway and drive back into the forest…perhaps find a glade with a stream running through it and park the bike and get off and touch the grass and the flowers and trees. (There is no green here…none at all. Just dirt and small rocks and I can’t touch those either.) Then I would like to find a little pool in the water and go swimming. (I have not been submerged in water in a very long time.) Then I would lay in the sun to dry and listen to the birds and wind blow through the trees and likely get a sunburn. (I am pretty pale now. I don’t get much sun.)

At some point I would like to go to a park in a city or town and sit down on a bench or perhaps in the grass under a tree and close my eyes and listen to children laugh and play. Maybe I’d like to throw a tennis ball for a dog. (I had larger ones. I had a labrador retriever named Bubba that I loved dearly…she had died long before all of this happened to me.) Perhaps hear an old gas powered lawn mower and smell fresh cut grass…

I know, this is all so boring, and likely not at all what you were expecting… but in this place I am literally surrounded by people all the time (most of whom I dislike) and there is almost constant noise.  Heavy metal doors slamming, people talking and shouting, the insane ones screaming…and I will spare you the descriptions of the smells… just seventy-two hours of no anger, no violence, just peace and quiet would be worth almost any price to me. It is, for me, the things I never really thought about that I end up closing my eyes and remembering. Sitting on a couch with someone I love with someone I love all curled up by a fire in the wintertime and listen to her tell me all about her day, or just listening to the fire and feeling her pressed close to me. (The only “contact” I have in this place is to be chained by an animal by gloved hands to be removed from my cage.)

So I guess my seventy-two hours would be pretty boring… oh! I would have to sleep in a real bed, too! With soft sheets and a blanket to cover me! Yup, boring. But on the upside, I would likely have change left over from that “modest budget”.

What do you think, Anna? Want to hang out for the whole seventy-two hours?

8.) What was the last election you voted in and for whom did you vote? 

This is an easy and short one. I honestly can’t remember the year. [Anna’s note: I’m guessing it was probably 1992.] I have a problem with keeping track of linear time, which has gotten way worse since I got here. But it was for a guy named Ross Perot for President.

Speaking of voting…what were you people thinking?! Wow!

9.) What historical events have occurred while you’ve been on death row that you wish you’d have been able to witness?

I would not go as far as to use the term “misanthropic,” but I did live way up in the Colorado Rockies, back in a canyon with public land butting up to my proerty lines on three sides, so I was not real keen on crowds…so the most significant events that I would have wished to be in the vicinity of would be the births of my grandchildren. Pretty historic in my book.

10.) The same person asked: What technology has been invented since you’ve been on death row that you are curious about or would be interested to try out?

All technology has been invented while I’ve been locked up. Or at least it seems like it. I had a cell phone when I was out in the world…most of you may not know what I am talking about, but some geezers might. It was made by Motorola and it was “affectionately” referred to as “The Brick” because it was the size and approximate weight of one of those smaller red bricks of the kind used in house construction. It was the smallest and most reliable phone that one could own. (And it dropped calls all the time, not because it didn’t work properly but because there were not that many cell phone towers and there were “dead zones” between them when you were out of range.) The internet itself did exist…but it was in its infancy so I would like to see that.

I also hear a lot about “flat screen television sets” but have never seen one. (My television broke quite a long time ago and I can’t afford to replace it, so I have not seen TV at all in a fair piece.) But from my perspective of living in a cage…I am only allowed to possess ten soft cover books, no more. So I would wish to have one of those “e-readers”, I think they are called, the electronic devices you can download books onto. (And I would have to be able to download books onto it, of course.) to have access to a large supply of books. I don’t think I could even begin to describe my feelings about such a thing. My home (before here) was filled with books (real ones) and reading has always been a very large part of my life.. To have access to the philosophy and poetry and history and fiction again… I better stop; I could go on for pages about this subject alone. I would also like to have access to music. (I have a Walkman-type cassette player– yes, cassette player— of which the cassette player part is broken so I only have the radio left.)

The radio market in Southern Arizona is very limited, so no jazz, no classical, but I do get to hear some metal music on a syndicated shoe called “Into the Pit” that comes on for a couple of hours on Sunday night. But unless I want to listen to country-western, old rock and roll, or an inordinate amount of rap and hip-hop stations for some reason, I am screwed. So an MP3 player (and the ability to load music onto it) would be wonderful. But e-readers and MP3 players are not allowed here. So I guess that is the technology I would like to experience.

11.) If you could choose how you wanted to be executed (hanging, firing squad, gas, electric chair, lethal injection) which would you choose and why? 

What, no guillotine? I think that one would be interesting. It is posited that one may be able to still perceive for a short time afterward. Intriguing, that one.

But you seem to be sticking to the forms of execution used now in the United States. Dead is dead and how you get there does not really matter. In Arizona, lethal injection is used.

I have maintained for years that I would like to forego the two or three drug “protocol” that is now used, and just have them pump potassium chloride (the final part of the “protocol”: the caustic cocktail that actually kills you) through my veins– the only stipulation being that the execution must be televised on broadcast TV so that the public could witness what their tax dollars pay for, on top of the millions it takes to actually get someone to the execution chamber. I figure I can put up with anything for ten or fifteen minutes, and I doubt I will be screaming for that long before I die.

But since that will never happen (not gonna show the public the truth), I guess I would choose firing squad if I could. Seems to be more honor in it, a “live by the sword, die by the sword” kind of thing.

Just F.Y.I.: the other two drugs of the “protocol” are a paralytic and an anesthetic, so all screaming is internalized and people don’t have to watch that.

And on that happy note, I will stop, so as to give Anna’s poor fingers a rest. (Again, my friend, I appreciate this opportunity so very much. Thank you deeply from the core of my being.)

As for the rest of you.. more answers coming! Great questions! Thank you!

 

Ask Tod Anything: Part I

[Anna’s Note: Submit questions for Tod anytime using this contact form and I’ll pass them along to him.]

Hello again, and I want to thank those of you who asked me questions! Being new to this blogging stuff, I am not real sure what anyone is interested in knowing, so questions help a lot.

I will try to answer all of them as best as I can in the order I received them, although there may be one or two that I will have to write a separate post about on their own. So don’t think I am ignoring you if it seems like your question is not getting answered this time around. You will just have to keep visiting Muninn’s Roost and I promise you will get an answer eventually.

So, as the old adage goes: “There are no bad questions; only bad answers.” (I hope I don’t give anyone one of those.)

Oh, before I begin, I have no names to go along with the questions (with the exception of Anna’s “favorite pseudonym” in the form of “Seymour Buttz”… I hear ya! I’ve been locked in a cage for a long time; I could put up with Seymour Buttz myself! Or seeing any butts, for that matter!)

But back to what I was saying… I have no names so I will just state the questions and answer them the best I can.

1.) Why are you on Death Row? 

Outside of general and basic answers, it is difficult to address questions of this nature, especially in so public of a forum. Let me explain. When someone is given the death penalty an appeal process begins immediately. This appeal process lasts up until the very instant that the caustic chemicals are pumped into a human’s veins. (Lethal injection is the method of execution in Arizona at this time.)

So other than generalities I will refrain from saying more than that I was convicted of killing two people.

However, my case is a matter of public record. The number is CV-03-1810-PHX-SRB. You can no doubt answer your own question with that.

I don’t attempt to hide anything with “non-answers”. It is simply  that my lawyer would jump up and down and scream at me for addressing such things so publicly.

2.) If you had to guess, how much time do you have left? 

Another question that presents difficulties… “the system” is very arbitrary and capricious so [answering this question] is impossible to do other than generalize.

Let me give an example of what I mean. Two men were convicted of committing the same crime. The system says they were both present, and both involved. One died about four years ago, executed by lethal injection. The other may have decades to go before he sees the same fate. Why? Because that is the way it is going to work for those two cases. It is like playing craps. Sometimes you roll your point; other times you crap out.

How long do I have? I will be here for a while. Long? Short? Can’t really chew a finer point than that, sorry.

3.) Do you believe yourself to be innocent or guilty of the crime for which you were sentenced to death? If you did do it, do you feel remorse about it? Do you think you deserve to die? 

I am going to have to refer you to the above answer I gave concerning appeals for some of this one. (No point repeating myself and boring people.)

“Do I feel remorse?” In general, contrary to what the system would have you believe (that those on death row are unfeeling sociopathic monsters) yes I am capable of feeling remorse, and do… about a great many things in my life… although I cannot get as specific as you might like, and I do apologize for that.

“Do I deserve to die?” Now there is a philosophical question… does anyone truly think they “deserve to die”? There are those who think it might be “easier” if they die, those who think life is too difficult and “give up on living… but to think one deserves to die… (and I mean truly “deserves” it)… Now, it is easy to think others deserve to die, but oneself? I may just have to make that the subject of a whole blog. I know I want to think about that one some more.

Interesting idea/topic… thank you… I will get back to you on that one.

4.) Do you agree with the practice of capital punishment on principle? Why or why not? How has being sentenced to death yourself affected your stance on the death penalty? If you do support the death penalty, do you feel that it is being applied appropriately in your particular case? Why or why not? 

I love philosophical questions! And these are good ones! (And yet another set I could make a whole blog post out of!)

Do I agree with the practice of capital punishment on principle? Some may find this difficult to believe, but in a word, YES! But there are a great many problems with it in practice. The big easy questions: whom do you apply it to? Why do you apply it? Who decides? My idea of who deserves it may (or may not) be different than yours. The reasons I think it may be appropriate could be vastly different than someone else’s.

So, who do you empower to make such decisions? Politicians? (That is who does it now!) Do you really want to rely on someone who lies, cheats, and even steals to get votes to hold a person’s life in their hands?

(I was actually told I was sentenced to die because the judge was up for re-election that coming year and a “tough stance on crime” would look good in his campaign!)

It was so much easier to answer questions like this before I personally became involved in the system.

There is actually a point in my appeal process that if someone came forward and said, “He didn’t do it! I did! He’s innocent!” it would not matter and the system would still kill me. How can a system, any system, that functions like that be trusted at all? Much less with someone’s life?!

So, while I may agree with the principle of capital punishment, I am intelligent enough to understand that it cannot be applied properly under the current system. It is simply too broken to do so. (I could give as an example this last presidential election cycle as ample evidence of that statement.)

I think I have answered all the parts of that question, if not to your satisfaction then please feel free to ask for clarification.

5.) Do you have any advice from the perspective of an inmate on what makes a pen pal good, and more specifically, what makes a first letter good or bad? Is there anything I [a prospective pen pal] should avoid asking or saying? What do you think an inmate on death row might like to know about me? 

First… “inmates”, simply put, are people. Their wants, desires, needs, likes, dislikes, etc. are just as varied as someone you meet out in the world. So you may “click” with a person you write to, or it may be a chore every time you get a letter. (Not everyone is as lucky as Anna– ha ha.)

So just try and see what happens. If it doesn’t work out, try not to get discouraged. You may find someone who can be a friend for years. (It is often easier to open up to someone that you will likely never meet.)

As far as what makes a good first letter? Just be yourself, open up only as much as you feel comfortable with. Tell them what your intentions are. (To be friends, to help them out, you’re bored because you have a lot of time on your hands and house pets are so messy…okay, maybe not that last one.) I personally kind of like to have a picture as that helps to personalize who you are writing to. (I sent a picture to Anna with my first letter for the same reason…and to get the “scare the crap outta her” part over with real quick…like ripping off a bandage.)

It would be irresponsible of me if I did not say be careful! This is a prison, and to be honest, there are a lot of people in here I would not invite to my home or allow around my family or anyone I care about. (Of course, writing a letter…that can be controlled and stopped at a whim if need be.) But still, care is needed.

One reader suggested that I write a future blog post about being a pen pal for someone on death row and I think that is a stellar idea. (There are a few in this place that I would/could actually recommend. Anna and I are friends and I mentioned that very thing to her before the blog started, that mail is always a welcome distraction to anyone who exists in this environment.) So I will expand more on the pen pal idea coming up in the future– as soon as I am able, in fact.

6.) How often do you interact with women?

Besides Anna? NEVER!

No… this is a male prison, so as you might imagine there are not many women around.

There are a few female guards, but as I have a kind of “us against them” attitude toward guards in general, my interaction with them is kept pretty professional from my side.

My lawyer is a woman…but she is a lawyer… so that pretty much says it all there. Saying “I keep it professional” would make it sound too friendly. (I simply can’t stand lawyers in general, although I can’t say I have had a relationship with any outside my involvement in the system.)

I have a daughter-in-law I love dearly. That is about it.

Why? You offerin’? Cause my contact information is there someplace!

I have a lot more questions to answer but I do not want Anna to wear her fingers down to the bone posting this stuff for me, so I will give her a break for right now.

Thank you so much for all the great questions and I promise I will get to all of them. I stopped before #7, Anna’s personal favorite, because I too like it and want to consider it before answering.

Take care, everyone, and thanks for your input!

(P.S. That joke about Anna being lucky to get me as a pen pal… in truth I am the lucky one! Very lucky!)

Lenore

(A tribute to one of my favorite poets, Edgar Allan Poe)

Cryptic writings — in my mind.
Will I see — or stay blind.

A daemon beckons — wants my soul.
Lips like honey — eyes black as coal.

Robed in filth — smelling dead.
Her seductive darkness — fills my head.

She twists and tempts — with violent delight.
Will she collect me — this vicious night?

She reaches out — arms dripping gore.
I belong to her — yes.. evermore.

Retribution

My song is written on the sacrificial
altar-stone in crimson. Cries of atonement
and the waking of repentance are its
iniquitous melody.

I am an abomination, a malignance born
of liars and those of weak character. I
permeate a world made by traitors and
oathbreakers.

It is I to whom you will turn when desperation
wins out over reason and your
sanity has fled. You will imagine me as
savior and I will laugh.

I am the progeny of hatred and ignorance,
my putrid arms will enfold you and pull
you into desolate realms draped in endless
night and you will succumb to the perverse
rituals of fools.

I am woe– one kiss from my scabrous
lips and poison will burn through your veins
like hard shards of broken glass.. you will
know torment by my hand.

Your debt–written in blood upon the
skin of your own children– a debt
that will steal from them their very
innocence– will come due.

I have murdered in your name. You are
devoid of honor and you now belong
to me. I will break your mind– I will
torture your soul– I will take from
you everything as is my right…

I AM THE EXECUTIONER!