Ask Tod Anything: Part V

Hello again from the Roost. This will be the second installment for answering this batch of questions. So I suppose I will jump right in:

12.) When the judge read your sentence in court, were you expecting it or were you surprised? How did you feel?

To be honest I knew I was going to get the death penalty. My lawyer (who in some ways “sold me down the river”– he is part of the system after all) kept requesting a change of judge until I was in the court of the only judge in the county who gave out death sentences (unofficially known as the “hanging judge” of Maricopa County) who would be up for re-election the year following my trial– and a good, well-publicized case in which he handed down the death penalty would go a long way toward getting him re-elected.

(Most people do not understand how political the death penalty really is– and the ways, which are myriad, in which is it used for a political vehicle.)

So, yeah, it was pretty much in the bag that I was getting the death sentence.

Here is a good indicator for you: After– that is after all the trial stuff, mitigation/aggravation stuff, everything to do with the trial– is over, the judge is supposed to sit down and write out his feelings in a “sentencing report” during which he considers all the aspects of the trial, especially the mitigation hearing (which is the very last part of whole process) and and explains for the court record why he/she is handing down the sentence that they are. Well, my mitigation hearing ended at about 11:00 AM and the judge said, “We will break for lunch. Then I will read the sentence to the defendant.” (In one of the most complicated trials in that county in a long time, mind you. Break for an hour and a half and come back and sentence me!)

I leaned over, knowing that as soon as I was sentenced I would be stuffed in a van and sent to prison, and asked my lawyer to tell the judge that I had been in county jail for over a year and needed at least one day to get my affairs in order and write a couple of letters telling people I would be moved to prison shortly. The judge (with a rather sour look on his face) agreed to this, and the sentence would be read the following morning.

The next morning the judge read out a 32-page sentencing document… 32 pages!!! Which means he had it pre-written the day previous and prior to the end of my official trial!

Oh, yeah, I knew I was getting the death penalty. Everybody did! (two female guards, which I had known since I got locked up, came the lat night I spent in the county jail to my cell and gave me a tearful goodbye– separately, not at the same time– one had to rush off as it was a bit more than just tearful… she started to break down.) Everybody knew.

As to how I felt…a death penalty trial is pretty stressful…I had literally been prodded and poked for almost a year, my family harassed by prosecution and defense investigators and, well… I guess i was just kind of relieved it was over for everyone’s sake. My family had been put through more their share of “enough”.

13.) Is there anything Anna has to do (or avoid doing) in order to make sure her letters get through to you? How strict are the mailroom rules? Does someone read her letters all the way or just skim them? Are your letters to her read too? What is considered grounds for confiscating a letter? Are there rules against swearing?

All good questions if you are considering writing to someone.

First part, make sure that whole address is on the envelope. (Especially name, inmate number, and the correct name of the facility.) Outside that, they just have general rules for “contraband” that vary from state to state and facility to facility. (Like I can’t have hardcover books but down the road at another facility they can.)

Reading letters… it would not really be possible to “read” everyone’s mail. (Although there are times when specific people’s mail is “red flagged” and it does get read in its entirety. There are several reasons this can happen but they are supposed to revolve around “threats to security”. Whatever that means.) So as a general rule, mail is skimmed.

As far as my letters to Anna being read… it is possible, but you would have to ask her. (The letters would be cut open and taped back shut, Anna.)

Letter confiscation? It can happen if there is some sort of “active criminal investigation” going on…but if someone does not like something, a letter can “get lost” at any point between the mailroom and my cage. It happens that way more than anything else official happening.

And no, there is no rule about swearing– which Anna, who uses a surprising amount of of four-letter words, is happy about. Isn’t swearing protected to some degree by the freedom of speech? I seem to remember that being litigated to some degree.

14.) Are you from Arizona? If so, whereabouts in Arizona? If not, where are you from?

When I was out in the world, I lived the lion’s share of my life in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. (Mostly in the woods.) But I spent part of my life as a “saddle tramp” as well, moving from place to place on the back of a Harley. I have been to about (or passed through at 70 miles per hour) about every state in the contiguous US and up into Canada and Alaska. So I like to think I am from everywhere.

15.) Have you The Green Mile, and if so, how accurate would you say the portrayal is of life on death row is?

My television broke some time ago and they are expensive and I just cannot replace it. So, no, I have not seen The Green Mile. But I have read the book by Steven King. I cannot speak to how accurate it might have been in the 30’s, which is when it was set I think… but now? Not at all. For one thing, it had, what? Five, six people on death row? (Which, by the way, is how it should be: the death penalty not being handed out like a carnival prize.) Here there are over 120, I believe. Constant noise, no peace… I can’t really describe it. It is no way for a human to exist. (It is not “living” so I do not call it that.)

16.) How old were your kids when you went to prison? What’s it like being a parent while on death row? Are you still in contact with any of your kids and/or their mom(s)? You also mentioned grandkids– have you met them?

I had to take a break before I could even write this one down. I know I have told you all a little bit about my child and that I have grandkids, but I have not actually gotten anyone’s approval for including them in this blog post. For that reason I am going to be pretty general in answering this and any future questions like it in such a public forum. I am actually pretty protective of the people I care about.

My son, who is the same age as Anna, was four when I came to prison. Because of a strained relationship with his mother (which existed prior to my ending up here) I did not get much of a chance to “parent” when he was young.

But multiply that by at least the power of ten and that is how frustrating, scary, and overall difficult it is to parent or be a parent from a cage. This environment is not one I would want my grandkids exposed to, so no, I have not met them in person– and you cannot imagine how much that hurts me. But this unit dictates that I would only see them through glass and not  be able to hold or even touch them anyway. Maintaining any sort of semblance of a family life/contact is very difficult in my situation.

17.) Who are some of your heroes and why? Fictional characters, historical figures, famous people, people you know/knew, etc. or any combination of the above are all fair game.

Hmm, interesting question, have not really thought about it before. I suppose first and foremost would be my father: an outstanding and heroic man indeed. He served this country in World War II with bravery and valor, and was recognized for it. He started and raised a family, doing the very best he could by us, and sacrificing himself on a daily basis and never seeking recognition for it. He was a good, loyal, and honorable man. I think he is about the only person I would call a “hero” to me. There are historical figures that I admire some of the things that they did or were involved in, but I have only known the picture history paints of them. A man that may have done something noteworthy to history could have in reality neglected his family to do so, or done dishonorable things that no one knows about, so I don’t feel comfortable putting someone I only know by a “snapshot” of their life on a pedestal.

18.) When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I recall most of the “normal” things a child wants to be: a fireman, a pirate ship captain, an astronaut (back to the “Captain Kirk saving whole planets” thing.) Pretty much whatever I was fixated on at any given time. I don’t recall any “serious” aspirations.

I always enjoyed creating things out of wood, metal, paint, pencil/pen, and paper…I just mostly wanted to be free to do that.

19.) What were some of the hardest things to get used to about being in prison?

Where do I begin? Everything. I still do not “do as I am told” so perhaps that would be one. The noise, the smell(s), all the people packed in around me, bad food (and I use the term “food” loosely here)… I eat, sleep, everything, less than six feet away from an open toilet. The whole situation is an exercise in “getting used to things” humans are not equipped to ever get used to. This place breaks people’s minds, steals their sanity… I really cannot recommend it at all. I can’t even say it “builds character”… since I have been around so many who have none at all (or honor or integrity for that matter). In short, I suppose, I am still getting used to things.

20.) Are you actually considering something like “slap this horse in the ass; I’ve got things to do” as your last words? Or were you kidding about that?

Not in the least was I kidding! What do you say when you are strapped down to a gurney for a nice little murder by proxy show for a room full of people devoid of any ethical compass to watch?? I would like to say something profound and deep to be remembered by, but that would detract from the barbaric theater of the absurd at hand, now wouldn’t it? Perhaps I should start a lottery: what might you all suggest, given the total ridiculousness of the situation? All suggestions will be considered.

21.) Are there rules about what you can say as your last words? Time limits, restrictions on profanity, does it have to be in English, things like that?

(This should help those of you who wish to participate in the “last words lottery”.)

What you say is into a microphone, and the warden has his finger on a button, ready to cut you off if he so wishes. So, better off with no name callin’ or deeply political statements. Profanity is likely out as well. But as far as I know any language is okay. (Surely they wouldn’t deny someone who speaks no English the right to a last statement? I would hope not.)

Time limits? If you attempt a “filibuster” of your impending fate, then at some point they will push the cut-off button and just go ahead with the murder, so brevity would be advised. So… short, sweet, and to the point.

22.) What is your favorite meal? What foods do you miss most?

Here? I don’t have a favorite meal. It is all crap– crap I would feel bad if forced to feed to a dog. I miss fresh food, uncanned vegetables that still have some nutrition in them… fruit! Oh, how I miss fruit! (I don’t know how these asswipes got away with never, ever giving us fruit! An apple or pear or an orange… I have to stop, I am starting to salivate…and I am certain that will turn to weeping soon.

Okay, I think I am down to where  I can finish off three questions with one more installment, so I will give Anna’s fingers a rest once more. Thank you for the input. I really enjoy interacting.

Expect another Q&A posting soon. And please don’t forget to show appreciation for Anna’s dedication to this project, without which you would not be reading any of this.

Having an Orange Christmas

(This post is dedicated to my father. You are missed. I’m sorry it took so long for us to become friends. C.L.S  6/10/1922 – 1/1/2014.)

Greetings again! I know that I mentioned I would do my next post on the issue of pen pals, but today is Thanksgiving, which brings to the forefront the issue of holidays spent in prison. I hope you forgive me for pushing pen pals back, but I promise that post is coming soon.

I suppose I should tell you that I have done the whole “prison holiday” thing many times. One would think that would make it easier, what with knowing what to expect and all… but in some ways, it actually becomes more difficult with time.

The family I was born into is all gone now. (Yes, I know, it’s ironic: I’m on death row and I’ve outlived everyone else.) My mother and brother died some time ago. My father died only three years ago. (The death of someone close to you while one is in prison can be very hard. They don’t let you out to see to the deceased’s affairs or attend any memorial services.) All of them died while I have been here. As the only ones left, my father and

As the only ones left, my father and I drew pretty close. (Far closer than we ever were on the outside- sad, that.) We had some years as the only ones left. I know my situation was emotionally difficult for him. I could see it in his eyes. He was dedicated, though– making the long drive every couple of weeks like clockwork, clear up into his 90s. (A two-hour visit took up about half a day for him, including driving time.) We corresponded regularly as well; I could almost predict the day they would bring me a letter from him. (He was a Marine and had a routine that would not be broken!)

He died suddenly; an incident occurred in which he was injured and he was gone before I could figure out what was happening. I could write a book on what it’s like to lose a loved one while you sit helplessly in a cage, but this post os not about that. It is about holidays spent in a cage.

There are children and grandchildren, of course…but as in a piece I wrote that accompanied another blog post: “the cage takes all that away somehow.” I do understand– really, I do– who wants to be saddled with an absentee parent or grandparent who was dumb enough to get locked up? And after a while, you’re just no longer in the forefront of anyone’s mind. They have their own lives, their own family, and today’s world is so busy. Understanding that, being able to move beyond the self, can make it easier. But if you let it, the loneliness can become almost palpable.

I have memories, of course. (I live on memories in this hole.) Growing up around family during the holidays, the warmth, the laughing, the aggravation, the yelling… enjoy every moment you have– if it ever disappears, you can’t believe how much you will miss it…trust me on this one!) I even look back on what at the time I thought to be major incidents of dire consequence and smile fondly at the memories.

Then there are “the firsts” that I cling to as a drowning man clings to a life preserver… I remember as if it was only yesterday the first Christmas tree that my son could focus on and really see. It had glass balls of red, green, gold, and silver, and enough lights to illuminate a small city, I’m sure. I held him sitting on my left forearm, high enough so he could see over my shoulder. He just stared in wide-eyed wonderment– we must have stood like that for ten or fifteen minutes. (My shoulder had a drool spot that was four or five inches across–not an exaggeration! I then sat him on the floor in front of the tree and took ornaments off of it and handed him the different colored ones and let him look up close at the shiny glass balls. (For a long time after that, everything he thought was pretty was “shiny” for him.) Truly I remember this as if it only just happened. (Much to his chagrin, my son– who, like Anna, is twenty-five years old– can be a small child to me sometimes.)

But I can’t make new memories– not ones that I want, at any rate– so us singing the Muffin Man song as he sits in his high chair and watches me make his favorite blueberry muffins, or singing his “bath song” (we had a song for everything) while he gets cleaned up after the muffins. (I swear, I would watch him and I still have not a clue how he got muffin and blueberries ground into the hair on the back of his head!) These are the memories I hold onto desperately.

But now my holidays are empty and alone. No family, no children or grandchildren, just the cage and the convicts. Some in here handle it better than others. I wonder if not having a television might be part of what makes it easier for me. No holiday commercials, no seeing families gathering. (Makes it rough on keeping up with affairs both local and abroad, however. I am the last to know anything, and only what and when my neighbor deems noteworthy.)

But the level of “behavior issues” goes up this time of year. The prison attempts to control that to some extent… they allow people to buy “special holiday-only” food items off of the prison canteen list. (If you get into any sort of trouble you are put on “loss of privileges” and cannot participate.) I suppose the “comfort food” items can be of some help. But one must of course be able to afford these things. In the state of Arizona, those of us on death row are not allowed to have jobs in prison. Some inmates have family or friends that are willing to send them a little money, but if you have been here for a while like I have, you don’t have anyone on the outside anymore to do that. Again, the cage took all that away. To be honest, I can have trouble obtaining postage to maintain this blog. Stamps, envelopes, paper, and pens must all be obtained through the prison canteen. No one can send any of that stuff.

I suppose it could be said that I have “behavioral problems” at times. Not being able to participate in such things as the holiday canteen items makes that control kind of moot for me. (And they can’t take away a television set I don’t have, either.) On an intellectual level, I know it is/was my own actions that led me to the place that I am… but one simply cannot blame themselves all the time. (I shudder to thing on what sort of psychological issues that might lead to!) So blaming the system or the prison on some level for something can be a viable option. (As long as you don’t contemplate too deeply your reasons behind it and it all falls apart.) So things that happen, sometimes admittedly small things, can cause an exaggerated reaction. (I am sure there is some clinical definition for this behavior but I am afraid I don’t know it.) And being one that understands the mechanics of the thought process that gets me to that point doesn’t help in the least, either… I still find myself falling victim to the behaviors. (My own personal brand of crazy, perhaps?) I don’t know.

I guess it comes down to loneliness causing complex emotional reactions and behaviors. It seems that walking through the memories of my past life can only help so much. Still I cling to them, however…walking through stores decorated for the holidays, remembering the excitement and wonder of the season when I was a child, reliving times when I had family and friends close around me and the laughter and good spirits, watching my child experience these things…is living in the past healthy? Not likely. But it is all I have left in my brick and metal oubliette. It is truly a place to be forgotten. I just hope it doesn’t become a place of forgetting for me…without the memories I don’t know how I would survive.

Well, thanks for letting me rant on about this place. All the suggestions about future blog posts were great and I will see about writing some of those for you.

Don’t forget to thank the person without whom none of this would be possible… Anna, you are a treasure that I am very lucky to be able to call my friend. Thank you so very much!

And thanks, everyone, for stopping by. Happy holidays to each and every one of you.

Ask Tod Anything: Part I

[Anna’s Note: Submit questions for Tod anytime using this contact form and I’ll pass them along to him.]

Hello again, and I want to thank those of you who asked me questions! Being new to this blogging stuff, I am not real sure what anyone is interested in knowing, so questions help a lot.

I will try to answer all of them as best as I can in the order I received them, although there may be one or two that I will have to write a separate post about on their own. So don’t think I am ignoring you if it seems like your question is not getting answered this time around. You will just have to keep visiting Muninn’s Roost and I promise you will get an answer eventually.

So, as the old adage goes: “There are no bad questions; only bad answers.” (I hope I don’t give anyone one of those.)

Oh, before I begin, I have no names to go along with the questions (with the exception of Anna’s “favorite pseudonym” in the form of “Seymour Buttz”… I hear ya! I’ve been locked in a cage for a long time; I could put up with Seymour Buttz myself! Or seeing any butts, for that matter!)

But back to what I was saying… I have no names so I will just state the questions and answer them the best I can.

1.) Why are you on Death Row? 

Outside of general and basic answers, it is difficult to address questions of this nature, especially in so public of a forum. Let me explain. When someone is given the death penalty an appeal process begins immediately. This appeal process lasts up until the very instant that the caustic chemicals are pumped into a human’s veins. (Lethal injection is the method of execution in Arizona at this time.)

So other than generalities I will refrain from saying more than that I was convicted of killing two people.

However, my case is a matter of public record. The number is CV-03-1810-PHX-SRB. You can no doubt answer your own question with that.

I don’t attempt to hide anything with “non-answers”. It is simply  that my lawyer would jump up and down and scream at me for addressing such things so publicly.

2.) If you had to guess, how much time do you have left? 

Another question that presents difficulties… “the system” is very arbitrary and capricious so [answering this question] is impossible to do other than generalize.

Let me give an example of what I mean. Two men were convicted of committing the same crime. The system says they were both present, and both involved. One died about four years ago, executed by lethal injection. The other may have decades to go before he sees the same fate. Why? Because that is the way it is going to work for those two cases. It is like playing craps. Sometimes you roll your point; other times you crap out.

How long do I have? I will be here for a while. Long? Short? Can’t really chew a finer point than that, sorry.

3.) Do you believe yourself to be innocent or guilty of the crime for which you were sentenced to death? If you did do it, do you feel remorse about it? Do you think you deserve to die? 

I am going to have to refer you to the above answer I gave concerning appeals for some of this one. (No point repeating myself and boring people.)

“Do I feel remorse?” In general, contrary to what the system would have you believe (that those on death row are unfeeling sociopathic monsters) yes I am capable of feeling remorse, and do… about a great many things in my life… although I cannot get as specific as you might like, and I do apologize for that.

“Do I deserve to die?” Now there is a philosophical question… does anyone truly think they “deserve to die”? There are those who think it might be “easier” if they die, those who think life is too difficult and “give up on living… but to think one deserves to die… (and I mean truly “deserves” it)… Now, it is easy to think others deserve to die, but oneself? I may just have to make that the subject of a whole blog. I know I want to think about that one some more.

Interesting idea/topic… thank you… I will get back to you on that one.

4.) Do you agree with the practice of capital punishment on principle? Why or why not? How has being sentenced to death yourself affected your stance on the death penalty? If you do support the death penalty, do you feel that it is being applied appropriately in your particular case? Why or why not? 

I love philosophical questions! And these are good ones! (And yet another set I could make a whole blog post out of!)

Do I agree with the practice of capital punishment on principle? Some may find this difficult to believe, but in a word, YES! But there are a great many problems with it in practice. The big easy questions: whom do you apply it to? Why do you apply it? Who decides? My idea of who deserves it may (or may not) be different than yours. The reasons I think it may be appropriate could be vastly different than someone else’s.

So, who do you empower to make such decisions? Politicians? (That is who does it now!) Do you really want to rely on someone who lies, cheats, and even steals to get votes to hold a person’s life in their hands?

(I was actually told I was sentenced to die because the judge was up for re-election that coming year and a “tough stance on crime” would look good in his campaign!)

It was so much easier to answer questions like this before I personally became involved in the system.

There is actually a point in my appeal process that if someone came forward and said, “He didn’t do it! I did! He’s innocent!” it would not matter and the system would still kill me. How can a system, any system, that functions like that be trusted at all? Much less with someone’s life?!

So, while I may agree with the principle of capital punishment, I am intelligent enough to understand that it cannot be applied properly under the current system. It is simply too broken to do so. (I could give as an example this last presidential election cycle as ample evidence of that statement.)

I think I have answered all the parts of that question, if not to your satisfaction then please feel free to ask for clarification.

5.) Do you have any advice from the perspective of an inmate on what makes a pen pal good, and more specifically, what makes a first letter good or bad? Is there anything I [a prospective pen pal] should avoid asking or saying? What do you think an inmate on death row might like to know about me? 

First… “inmates”, simply put, are people. Their wants, desires, needs, likes, dislikes, etc. are just as varied as someone you meet out in the world. So you may “click” with a person you write to, or it may be a chore every time you get a letter. (Not everyone is as lucky as Anna– ha ha.)

So just try and see what happens. If it doesn’t work out, try not to get discouraged. You may find someone who can be a friend for years. (It is often easier to open up to someone that you will likely never meet.)

As far as what makes a good first letter? Just be yourself, open up only as much as you feel comfortable with. Tell them what your intentions are. (To be friends, to help them out, you’re bored because you have a lot of time on your hands and house pets are so messy…okay, maybe not that last one.) I personally kind of like to have a picture as that helps to personalize who you are writing to. (I sent a picture to Anna with my first letter for the same reason…and to get the “scare the crap outta her” part over with real quick…like ripping off a bandage.)

It would be irresponsible of me if I did not say be careful! This is a prison, and to be honest, there are a lot of people in here I would not invite to my home or allow around my family or anyone I care about. (Of course, writing a letter…that can be controlled and stopped at a whim if need be.) But still, care is needed.

One reader suggested that I write a future blog post about being a pen pal for someone on death row and I think that is a stellar idea. (There are a few in this place that I would/could actually recommend. Anna and I are friends and I mentioned that very thing to her before the blog started, that mail is always a welcome distraction to anyone who exists in this environment.) So I will expand more on the pen pal idea coming up in the future– as soon as I am able, in fact.

6.) How often do you interact with women?

Besides Anna? NEVER!

No… this is a male prison, so as you might imagine there are not many women around.

There are a few female guards, but as I have a kind of “us against them” attitude toward guards in general, my interaction with them is kept pretty professional from my side.

My lawyer is a woman…but she is a lawyer… so that pretty much says it all there. Saying “I keep it professional” would make it sound too friendly. (I simply can’t stand lawyers in general, although I can’t say I have had a relationship with any outside my involvement in the system.)

I have a daughter-in-law I love dearly. That is about it.

Why? You offerin’? Cause my contact information is there someplace!

I have a lot more questions to answer but I do not want Anna to wear her fingers down to the bone posting this stuff for me, so I will give her a break for right now.

Thank you so much for all the great questions and I promise I will get to all of them. I stopped before #7, Anna’s personal favorite, because I too like it and want to consider it before answering.

Take care, everyone, and thanks for your input!

(P.S. That joke about Anna being lucky to get me as a pen pal… in truth I am the lucky one! Very lucky!)