Ask Tod Anything: Part VI

Well, this should be the last installment for this go-round of questions, so I will just jump right in and get on with it…

23.) Is there a social “pecking order” on death row? What determines someone’s status and where do you personally fall within that hierarchy?

Just as there is in any social structure, there is a ranking system here. (Humans seem inclined to, one way or another, set their societies in order that way– be it your local bank, school, Lord of the Flies situation, or death row. And now that I think about it, Death Row can be kind of Lord of the Flies-ish at times…) In truth, there is no central “hierarchy” (your word, not mine) at this time here. This unit is broken up into ten cell blocks. And these blocks have someone who considers himself “the pod father” (the person who organizes and what have you). And that works or does not, mostly depending on the social makeup of the block.

What I mean by that is: death row has a great deal of administrative segregation, or protective custody cases. (These are child molesters and child killers, rapists, snitches, and those who deal with them.) How their hierarchy works, I have not a clue, and to be honest I don’t care. (But there is indeed one! There is a protective custody within protective custody!) Their world will likely change, however, with the close custody experiment pending, which I have mentioned previously.

The rest of us are in “general population” or GP. The social structure for that is a bit different.

To begin with, the Arizona Prison System divides itself by race. And this does not mean the races are at odds with each other. (Quite the contrary, actually.) It is simply that needs, desires, and wants can vary by culture and/or societal upbringing, and it makes sense for each race to centralize and make sure its personal needs are met. So within that structure you have people, or a person, that sees to it that the needs of the group are known and addressed (there is usually no “formal dictatorship” that accomplishes this, but rather, discussions that give people a voice of some sort.) I could go on describing this but you get the idea.

As to where I fall in all of this? I have always been somewhat anti-social and don’t care about all the drama that comes with interacting too deeply in the social morass. So I give respect to others and demand the same in return. The theater of the absurd that I must endure as part of my existence is something I would rather observe than become entangled in.

I hope that answers your question.

24.) Do you ever worry about prison employees reading your blog and being offended by it? Would you be in trouble if they did? What about the family of your victims, your lawyer, or your own family? Is there anyone you’re hoping won’t ever read this blog?

I don’t “worry” per se about prison employees reading this blog, nor do I worry about offending them. (There was a time when I used to make it my business to offend as many as I could on a daily basis. Over the years, I have mellowed… some.) If someone is offended by the truth, then, in my mind, work needs to be done to change the situation by which they find themselves being offended. If there is fear that the truth will be disseminated beyond the confines of a “closed” system, then I believe every effort should be made to do just that.

If your government does something in your name (such as imprisoning and systematically murdering people) then you should know all about the thing being done. In fact, some might say you have an obligation to know.

Today’s society keeps people very busy and very distracted. At the risk of sounding paranoid…I wonder if this might, on some level, be on purpose. If people are so hurried and so worried, then they may have neither the time nor the inclination to “pull back the curtain” and see why things are the way they are… why the economy is the way it is, why their government hands out foreign aid like Halloween candy while there are homeless and hungry children in this country…why kids graduate high school (if they graduate at all) with third grade reading levels… I have a unique situation in that I don’t have all the stresses there are out in society and an abundance of time to consider such things.

The truth should never be “worried” about (and it is only feared by those who lie and wish to deceive in the first place) so if I get in “trouble” in some way, I am willing to resist that. I do nothing wrong or against the law here. Yes, these people can (and have) make my existence even more difficult than it already is, but I already live in a cage under sentence of death. How much worse can it get? If someone comes across these postings and doesn’t like what they read, then they have the choice of not reading them.

I have told my family about it. My lawyer knows and does not much care for it. (Not sure why, but hey, that’s her right.) Everyone will have their own opinion and are entitled to it. I don’t worry about who may or may not read this blog.

25.) How well-traveled are you? What are some of your favorite places? What are some places you wish you could have visited?

As I have already mentioned in one of these questions, I used to “saddle tramp” a bit so I have been a lot of places (here in the US, anyway.) Just on my own? I like places that are green and kind of wild. The Colorado Rocky Mountains and the Pacific Northwest…the Smoky Mountains…all majestic places.

But people can make a place special too… there was a pretty Cajun girl in Louisiana… another with skin white as fresh snow with auburn hair and green eyes in Massachusetts… a lot of things can make a place special.

I would have loved to go to Europe and Asia (lots of green places!) and just rode a motorcycle around and stopped where I liked.

26.) Have you ever thought about writing a book, or are you mostly just focusing on your blog right now?

It was mentioned some time ago that I should write a book, but I don’t know where I would start or what to write about, or how to bring it all together. As far as “focusing on…” I focus on anything that can give me a mental break from this black pit of misery.

27.) Do you know any gay people on death row, and if so, how does it affect how others treat them? Is the prison population more homophobic than the outside world, or is that a myth?

There is one sort of openly known gay person on the row that I know of. I personally do not associate with him, but it has nothing to do with his sexual orientation. It is because he snitches on people to the guards. I do not care for snitches of any color, race, creed, or orientation– I’m an equal opportunity kind of guy in that way.

I think homophobia can be found most anyplace you go. Perhaps more so in the conservative “bible belt” and less so in the more open-minded progressive cities. But there is crossover both ways. There seems to be a fair amount of homophobia here for whatever reason.

So I will speak for myself only. I am heterosexual and confident and comfortable in that knowledge. As far as my feelings go… a person’s sexual orientation is their own business and does not affect me in the least or dictate how I interact with or feel about them one way or another. If everyone were the same, this world would be a mind-numbingly boring place, now wouldn’t it?

I only recently found out the story behind why Anna and I were assigned as pen pals for one another. Evidently, after she submitted her application to become a pen pal, she contacted the person in charge at DRSP and requested that every effort be made to assign her a pen pal who would not reject contact with her based on the fact that she is gay. She was matched with me because the person in charge (correctly) believed I wasn’t the sort who would mind. And I don’t mind, not in the least.

28.) Are you religious?

I would refer to myself as “spiritual” rather than religious per se.

A lot of horrific things have been perpetuated on millions if not billions of people in the name of religion down through the history of humankind.

I am a firm believer in the idea that people should walk whatever path they choose, and how they see fit.

29. Did you personally know the guy whose botched execution in Arizona made national news a few years ago?

I think you mean Joe Woods? In a word, no. I did not. Never even met him.

30.) When was the last time you hugged anyone? Will you get another hug in your lifetime?

The last person I hugged was my son before all this happened and I ended up here. (He was a world-class hugger at age four, too!)

Recently they started up a program in which two people go out into a large recreation pen together under heavy guard. (I will explain this program in greater detail in a future post.) I have gone out there with someone I have known for a long time, and we did shake hands (first time since my trial that I’ve gotten to do that.) I don’t see hugs becoming a part of that program. It has been so long for any physical contact that even shaking hands felt odd.

31.) Why do you hate lawyers so much?

Okay, “hate” is a strong word. But I have been dealing with lawyers in packs for so long. Half want to kill me and the other half want to “win” their side, which just happens to be keeping me alive to die of old age with shitty medical care in prison.

And it is all just a big game to them. They take the human factor out of it and you’re just a case number on a page.

We have very bad living conditions on this unit and that is not the lawyers’ concern… their job is to keep you alive to experience it for as long as possible… who cares what you go through? I have actually had lawyers tell me that they don’t believe in the death penalty but when I point out that if they (and all the lawyers who supposedly feel the same way) would go into court and say “we are not going to work on death penalty cases because it goes against our… ethical beliefs? moral turpitude? something!… and that would eliminate it” they say, “Oh, no, we can’t possibly do that!” People’s lives just seem to be a game to them. Nope, don’t care all that much for lawyers…. do you know any who can fake actual human compassion? Because I only know ones that try and fail miserably.

I know an ex-lawyer who is actually pretty cool– she was educated at Harvard. (She worked my case for a little while.) A brilliant woman, and she came to see me one day (she would come down just to talk about anything every so often) and told me: “I can’t take it anymore! I come up with good stuff that should make a difference, and the judges ignore it!” (Judges who, in my humble opinion, are far less intelligent than she.) “I am quitting,” she said. “I don’t know whether I will ever practice law again!”

And as far as I know (we are still in contact on occasion) she has not. I can’t blame her. She seems happier now.

32.) What are some common misconceptions about people on death row that you think are unfair or untrue?

One thing I hear across the board on death penalty cases is “these people are the worst of the worst… we have to sentence them to die.” And that is just not true.

As I said in at least one previous post, I believe in the death penalty. But for the most part, a lot of these people could go to a regular prison unit and die of old age without ever having caused any trouble. (There are people here who have never broken a prison rule in over 20 years!)

And it would be a lot cheaper for you taxpayers if that were the case. Death penalty cases cost millions and millions and millions of dollars to see through to the end. On mine alone you could house probably twenty people in prison with natural life sentences, and have money left over!

The idea that we are all uncontrollable animals and are a danger to the public is also a lie. You have read my posts. I had a life, a home, child, did the same things pretty much everyone else does. Took joy in the same things everyone else does. Sure, there are junkies here and street-gang members with no regard for others… but that is not everyone, not by a long shot. Many of us are just people that the system ground out and spit into a cage for any number of reasons. (There are lots of reasons.) People don’t realize how corrupt the system is until either they or someone close to them gets caught up in it… and then… well, it’s too late at that point. I like a definition that Ambrose Bierce put into his Devil’s Dictionary. It reads “litigation: something one goes into as a pig and comes out of as a sausage.” I think people have an obligation to know and understand what is done in their name– learn the truth of the judicial system.

Well, that is all of the questions that I have in this time around. I really enjoy answering them for you. Looking forward to more in the future.

Take care and please remember that Anna is the keystone in this bridge between you and me. Without her, you wouldn’t even know I existed. So thank her, please.

So You Want to be a Pen Pal

Greetings and welcome once again to Muninn’s Roost. I have been promising a post concerning pen pals so I will see about doing that for you. I have actually tried a couple of times but I always got caught up on several issues.

I am actually in a bit of a quandary over doing this post. On one hand, I wish to do this for several reasons. (IE, I have been asked to do so, I would like to help people to obtain a good open relationship of some sort with individuals on my side of the bars that would benefit from it, I think it a worthy subject…etc…) but on the other hand, there are people here that I certainly would not want someone I care about to be in contact with for any number of reasons. (There are sexual predators, “con artists” that simply want to use people and have little if any sincere intentions, and there are of course just plain ol’ bad people.)

So I guess I should simply start with a cautionary note… or at least a personal suggestion: know who you’re going to write to before you send your first letter. And know yourself. Figure out what you are willing to put into the friendship beforehand. (Also, you can always decide to modify your commitment as you get to know the person and feel more at ease with your friendship.)

And understand what it is you are doing…if you find someone who is sincere and simply wants to connect with a world that has mostly turned its back on them, they can actually be emotionally damaged in any (or all) of several ways.  (Of course, they will “put up the front” of being big bad convicts…we all do…) But they can have trust issues. If they are in a “lockdown unit” like I am, they can suffer from paranoia, or they might just be pretty insecure in general due to a traumatic family background. (Unlike myself, a well-adjusted and completely normal and rational individual… I can’t believe I just wrote that with a straight face…) So, starting off a relationship of some sort and then just deciding not to write anymore at some point can actually have a profound effect on some of the people in this situation. (I actually started to write to a couple of people not long after I got here and decided to stop due to them just seeming to “live on” with their lives that I no longer seemed to fit into… I did not do the “pen pal thing” for a long time because of that– and if you are wondering, it is the profound loneliness of this world that spurred me to reach out once again.) So keep that in mind. Mail can be pretty important in a situation like this. Every letter I receive from Anna is like a ray of sunshine beaming into a dark and oppressive world… I am not exaggerating…every letter from her makes me smile as few things here do.)

Now… all that said… when Anna first offered to do this blog for me, my first thought was, (and I expressed this to Anna) “Oh! Perhaps I can get more people to write to me using this blog thing!” (I did not even know what a blog was. I had to ask Anna!) But it has grown beyond that. I guess I could say I kind of feel a responsibility toward the blog, and toward my readers.

So, my fist instinct is to say, “I know some people deserving of reading out who are sincere and not predatory or sex offenders.” But that is putting a lot of responsibility on me and I am not real sure I want that. (I do know some good people, though.) So I am just going to use myself as an example of what I would want, and let you good people figure it out for yourselves.

Be honest. With your first letter, let the person know what you are looking for, or at least why you decided to write to them. Whether that’s friendship or Christian outreach or whatnot… be upfront about what you are looking for.

(And be aware, some in this situation have “found God” for the first time and are quite…enthusiastic about sharing their faith. Others, like myself, try to find solace in inner peace and are somewhat private about such matters. And if you are contacting people in here (0r elsewhere) for reasons of Christian outreach, I don’t think there are many who enjoy being “preached at”. Although I would not doubt you can find some who do. That’s not to say you can’t be a religious person yourself– Anna is profoundly religious and I respect her faith greatly– just don’t be a jerk about it. I could go into the psychology of people who “find God” when they are condemned to die but it is not that difficult to figure out so I will spare you to explore that on your own should you wish.)

I personally like to have a picture of the person that I am writing to. It seems to help connect the words to a tangible idea. If I have one I send a picture of myself along with the first letter I mail. (There are pictures available on the prison website, but I dislike those pictures of myself, because I generally do not look too pleased to be here in them. Of course there are people who smile like idiots at whatever camera points in their direction… I don’t quite understand why people would wish to look happy in a “mug shot” but to each their own I suppose…) One of the “pen pals” I had long ago used to send me pictures of himself going just about everywhere. It kind of gave me a sense of living vicariously through his travels. (If you are wondering, he passed away some time ago.) Anna sends me pictures of her cats, so I have gotten to watch her kitten grow up.

And, for the record, I am not very fond of the term “pen pal”. That’s just a personal thing, though– Anna is my friend, pen or not.

As far as how to get connected to someone in a situation like mine… most of the free sites you will come across (like the Death Row Support Project that you will find mentioned on my blog page) are Christian outreach of some sort. However, if you are secular, try not to let that put you off. (I don’t think you have to join their religion to participate.) And going through one of those programs does not necessarily mean you will get an inmate who is a fire-and-brimstone-breathing amateur tent revivalist…although I suppose anything is possible…) There are “professional” websites that charge us money to get on them, and you can better tailor what you seek I suppose. But I personally am glad that Anna did not go that route. I would have never met such a kind and terrific person had she done that.

I have spoken to people on my side of the bars about it, and most (but not all– there are one or two who are an exception) don’t much care to write to people who take on the task of writing to a large number of people who are locked up. I can’t say why this is, as I personally don’t mind. (I look it as being about the same as having friends on the outside. If you have, say, four friends, talking to one does not detract from interacting from another.) Perhaps it is a time thing or a quality of interaction. If someone writes to, say, ten or fifteen people, their interaction with them would be more superficial than if they focused on a friendship over time. I had not really thought about that before; that could change my mind about it now that I think about it– but perhaps it is simply because friendships are so rare in here. I know a lot of people in here but I can’t say I would call any of them true friends. Prison is a dangerous place full of personal agendas…you can never be sure if someone is truly your friend or wants something from you… I know one thing is for certain: I would not want many (if any!) of the people in this place in my home if I were on the outside. In the time I hae been here I can only think of three that I would. I guess that is kind of sad now that I think of it…

Upon going back and re-reading this, I hope I have not made it sound like more trouble than it is worth. I truly do not believe that to be the case. I know of people who have had friendships struck up through the mail, and those friends have been there for them for years. When they speak of their friend it is with kindness and true concern if the situation warrants it. And with some, I have seen their whole demeanor change when they speak of their friend. (Personally I am rather private and like to keep the two worlds of this place and the outside separate but that is just a personal choice.)

So I do truly think that reaching out to someone in this situation can be beneficial to both parties, actually. You can meet someone that you might not have been expecting to. I find people are a lot alike no matter where they are. Their concerns, likes, dislikes, etc. are all pretty much similar. And people in here have the unique experience of having a lot of time on our hands so they consider current affairs, both local and world, a bit more deeply than the average person whose life is very busy. (I do not have a television set, but most here do, and they watch shows like world news and 60 Minutes religiously and then talk about it and reveal interesting– or amusing in its absurdity– insights into what they have seen. My personal avenue for information is NPR, so I can even contribute on occasion.) And, believe it or not, a lot of people on death row have a level of higher-than-average education than you generally find in prison.

And, believe it or not, a lot of people on death row have a level of higher-than-average education than you generally find in prison. And you can get lucky and find some amazing artists as well. (I myself have a meager talent in that area…I wish I had more time to devote to it for drawing things for Anna, but I have no source of income, so I end up having to draw things for people in here to send to their families so I can get soap and shampoo and writing supplies that I need.)

That is a common theme here– those who can draw do so for those who cannot draw but have families that support them financially. (The competition can be fierce!) But a few here like the flowers and some other things I draw, so I can get a few commissary items usually…but I digress… as I was saying, I do believe developing a relationship with someone in the situation I find myself in can be to the benefit of both parties. I simply advise some measure of caution be employed…at least until you know the person well enough to know who it is you’re writing to. Like any other friendship, it can evolve and expand over time.

I hope I have not been boring or too general, but to be honest it comes down to that pesky “responsibility” thing. I don’t want people to think it’s all party balloons and whizz-poppers, because the truth is you can get a bad setup that just does not “fit” with your expectations in any number of ways. But, on the upside, there are more where that came from so you can always try again. (If you feel something is not working out for whatever reason, it is best to move on as quickly as you can, before any attachments are formed.) And you may just find something totally unexpected that enhances and enriches your life in ways you did not expect.

Well, there is your post on pen pals. I hope at least some of you find it helpful. Don’t know what the next post might be yet. (Crazy crap from in here or my life prior to this malignant fit of insanity called prison.) But I promise to try to make it interesting, in any case.

Bye for now…and remember, without the wonderfulness that is Anna, you would not be reading any of this. Thank you, my friend!