Ask Tod Anything: Part VII

[Part I II III IV V VI]

Greetings, and welcome once again again to the Roost, where my memories and thoughts take flight over the earth via internet.

First, I would like to apologize for the “tone” of my last post. Thinking about that particular subject (the system through which a supposedly forward-thinking nation of people ritualistically murders a select few individuals using its local governments) tends to piss me off as I am intimately aware of the corruption and unpredictable nature of the system that is in charge of it. So I can get as ridiculous as it is when I consider it– but this post is all about answering readers’ questions. So let me see about doing that. I will just jump right in.

33.) What is it like to be pepper sprayed or tear gassed?

First, I am not aware of any place in the U.S. that uses tear gas anymore. Tear gas is a chemical agent that can cause lasting respiratory issues.

That being said, I have been tear gassed and it is unpleasant. It causes a burning sensation in the lungs, eyes, and sinuses. This, in turn, ramps up production of mucous in the lungs and sinus cavities that can cause a sensation of almost drowning. There is no remedy (that has ever been used on me anyway) to alleviate the effect and it simply has to wear off.

Pepper spray is likewise unpleasant. It too causes a burning sensation in the lungs, eyes, and sinuses. This, however, can be at least partially mitigated by placing a very wet washcloth over the mouth and nose, and breathing only through the nose. (If the capsacin hits the soft palate, there is no controlling the reaction.) The pepper spray causes mucous production in the sinuses to go out, which results in… well, snot, and a lot of it. But the mucous production in the lungs does not increase, hence the lack of drowning/smothering sensation, unlike tear gas.

Both are effective for controlling behavior but a tolerance can be built up over time to pepper spray. Although there is a new generation now that if might be difficult to do that with.

34.) What do handcuffs feel like? Why, in the movies (and maybe also in real life?) do people always rub their wrists when they’re un-handcuffed– is that an automatic reaction or is it because your wrists get sweaty, or because they hurt, or some other reason?

Handcuffs feel very restraining, like you’re being treated like a dangerous animal. They can hurt if they are put on too tight. (I have had marks on my wrists that lasted for hours due to smart-ass cops with control issues… or who are simply afraid.) They can cause your wrists to sweat as well if you are in them for a while. (Which in turn causes your wrists to itch.) The act of having your hands and arms restrained like that is unnatural. I suppose some people feel the urge to rub their wrists after they are removed. I personally wash my hands and wrists at the first opportunity upon having handcuffs removed. The guards wear surgical gloves because packing people into an enclosed environment causes all types of disease and viruses to run rampant. (A plethora of skin conditions among them.) Yet they go from inmate to inmate with those handcuffs. (Luckily I myself have had nothing more than a mild rash of some type that went away after a day or two on my wrists from handcuffs.) So I do not rub my wrists; I wash them as soon as I can. I do not know why they do that in the movies.

35.) Which is more unpleasant: traditional handcuffs or those plastic zip-tie flexi-cuff things, and why?

Well, you can’t pivot your wrists in the flexi-cuffs at all, so they are more uncomfortable…  but the flexi-cuffs are one-use and must be cut off (with wire cutters) so I would say, at least personally, those are more pleasant because at least I don’t have to worry about catching anything.

36.) Wouldn’t your lives be easier as prisoners if your code of ethics/rules was more closely aligned with that of the prison, so that your rules wouldn’t require you to do things that get you into trouble?

Wow, um… I am not sure whatever answer I could give you would make sense to you, seeing as how you actually asked this question!

Simply put, of course it would. But that is not an option unfortunately. In short, this environment is designed to break the spirit of a human being (remember, most are not here because they follow rules) into a nice controllable submissive who will ask “how high?” when the establishment says “jump!”

So we establish our own society, our own culture here, because we require that to live, to be who we are and must be.

 

37.) Is there such a thing as solitary confinement for death row inmates, or is being on death row considered to be solitary confinement by default?

Well, I have lived alone in a cage without human contact other than to be chained since 1997. Seems pretty “solitary” to me. But you can decide for yourself.

38.) Are there incentives/rewards for good behavior put in place by the prison, or do they only punish bad behavior? Could you tell us more about that?

The “rewards” for good behavior are you get to watch your TV, you can go to the “inmate store” and buy food and hygiene items, and you can get visits. For me personally, none of those “incentives” work, as my television set stopped working some time ago, I have no one that sends me money so I cannot buy anything from the inmate store, and Anna– the only person who has any desire to visit me– lives too far away to do so. So I cannot lose those things.

When these things are lost it is called “L.O.P.” (loss of privileges).

There is also a little thing called V.C.U. and since someone asked about that a few questions down the list, I will address that then. Keep reading.

39.) How are the unwritten inmate rules (as opposed to the ones put in place by the prison) enforced, and by whom?

That varies from state to state, of course. Prison in general is a pretty “racially oriented” place and each race “polices” their own. How that is done depends on the severity of the issue at hand. It can be anything from a fine to a “tune up” (getting your ass beat) to extreme violence (see also: what happened on the basketball court) or worse!

By whom, you ask? Well, as with most societies, there is a hierarchy through which this happens. No, I will not expound on that any further. In short, I will “take the fifth”.

40.) Do you know whether the guy your friend stabbed is going to be okay?

Well, he seems to have survived this particular incident. Whether or not there will be future incidents for that individual, I am not in a position to say, nor would I if I knew.

41.) I assume VCU is somehow worse than regular death row, but what actually makes it worse?

Well, you are chained and leg ironed before you get to go anywhere (as opposed to just handcuffed), you are then put on a gurney that has been who knows where and used for who knows what, and strapped down, and pulled wherever you need to go. It takes two guards and one sergeant to take you out of the cell as well, so if you take a shower, it could take an hour or more to get out of it because that is how they have to move you. Also, there are the daily searches, the overzealous enforcement of the rules, the reduced amount of property, and the incessant noise that is of a volume that is almost intolerable, caused by the insane who are housed nearby. It is uncomfortable both physically and mentally, much more so even than my current situation.

42.) Will you tell us a story from your childhood?

Hmmm… I have actually thought about that one thing in particular in fact.

It is very personal and I am not sure I want to share something like that. I will write it down some point and see how it likes being on paper, then I will ask Anna her opinion of it for a post. For now I will simply say that I had a regular, upper-middle-class upbringing and life, and I was raised in a far different time than now exists… nothing unusual, though… but I will think about your request. This one story, I don’t know. I may decide that it is letting people I don’t know a little too close.

43.) What are your biggest regrets in life?

I would have to say not living up to the example of my father and ending up here rather than helping my son become a man. I will not go into his upbringing as that is a private matter of his… but I will say that for my part, I let him down in a way that cannot be made up for. (And I will always be sorry for that, P.)

44.) You once mentioned that Anna is about twenty years old, and you also said that you have been in prison for about twenty years. How does that affect how you related to one another? Do things often get “lost in translation” between the two of you from a cultural standpoint? How often is that an issue and how do the two of you resolve that?

Anna is twenty-five years old and will be twenty-six in the fall. I have been in prison since she was about six years old I guess, and I was in jail (awaiting trial) for a fair piece before that– since she was probably four. So it is hardly an exaggeration to say we have never lived in the same world– I was in this world before she was old enough to understand the world she lives in, which I used to occupy.

That said, from my standpoint, I think Anna and I communicate pretty well. Because of my extended incarceration there are some things that I am not “up to speed” on (like Anna having to explain to me what a blog is after she suggested this foray into the public domain) but we (again, in my opinion) get along pretty well without too much lost in differences. It is pretty much like any other friend someone may have.

45.) Do you think that most anyone would be capable of committing murder given the right circumstances? (I am talking about first-degree homicide, not killing in self-defense or to mitigate immediate danger to someone else, killing someone by accident, a soldier following orders, or anything like that– I mean an act that would be prosecuted as a capital murder under the law.) I’d be interested to hear what you think about that.

A technical as well as a philosophical question, with a hint of attitude there at the end. And coming from someone who has no clue how the judicial system works.

First, I would like to say that people are prosecuted for capital murder all the time that had reasons to kill (both good reasons and bad reasons, but reasons all the same.) There are people who are here for protecting themselves! One for a drug deal in which the person tried to kill him, but because it was during the commission of a dangerous crime– dealing drugs– bam! Capital murder!

Rare is an individual who kills for the sake of killing. And those individuals are what society calls insane. (Like, for instance, a true sociopath such as the character in The Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal Lector).

But that is not the question you are asking here. Are most people capable of committing murder given the right circumstances? Philosophically, if one learns anything from human history, both ancient and modern, it is that given the proper “circumstances” humans are capable of any and every horrific behavior imaginable. (I cite the Middle East currently, Germany in the mid-twentieth century, and… well…the list is far too long and storied.)

Now, were these people born capable of these horrendous actions? Or did circumstance dictate behavior? I don’t think that “the why” is as telling as the fact that cruel and horrific behavior was somehow able to be tapped into.

And to remove soldiers from the question? Well were the soldiers not “doing their duty” at Abu Ghraib? Did Marines not “do their duty” at My Lai? Were the Nazis at the Nürnberg Trials not “following orders”? Some of the most horrendous atrocities in human history were committed during times of war when humans thought they had license to do as they pleased under the guise of “following orders” and “national duty”!

It is simply a fact that it is within the psychological makeup of humans to kill. Our ancestors were born to do it and did it as a furtherance of survival or tribal strength. Society has changed so that killing is not as much of a needed tool as it once was.

So, have humans “evolved” to fit the dictates of a modern society? Or has society “evolved” to fit the changing needs of humanity?

I know this: when I was growing up, kids didn’t take guns to school and kill their classmates because they felt “picked on”. (We barbarians would “duke it out” on the playground one-on-one, for which kids get arrested now.) People were not “gearing up” like SWAT members and killing people they never met in movie theaters. Nobody was running down innocent bystanders with their cars because they had a bad day.

So is this due to society not allowing for the release of normal and natural aggressive tendencies of a species that was born and bred with the killer instinct? Or are these the product of a society’s “evolution”? Or genetic anomalous mutations of a natural evolution?

I haven’t got the answers for you, but I do think humans are capable of pretty much anything given the proper circumstances and motivations, and that includes killing. We are born of violence with the taste of blood in our mouths. Although most seem to wish it otherwise, nature is a strong force in our existence. Its drives are raw and primal. Nature will find a way to assert itself.

And on that rant, I will close this post and give Anna’s fingers a rest. (Please remember that without Anna’s tireless assistance, you would not be reading this now… so thank her… and I thank you too, my dear friend.) More questions will be answered soon. Until next time, take care.

 

 

On Blogging, Captivity, and Sanity

Hello again and welcome to the Roost. I understand this thing is doing pretty well in readership. (As most if not all of you know, I do not personally maintain the site. In fact, I’ve never laid eyes on it. I handwrite the content and my very dear friend Anna posts it for me.) I am not sure how I feel about so many reading my thoughts. I suppose I may not have really considered it all that much. (That might actually be a good thing– not thinking too much about it, that is. I have always been pretty private… before this place, anyway…)

I am not sure how I feel about so many reading my thoughts. I suppose I may not have really considered it all that much. (That might actually be a good thing– not thinking too much about it, that is. I have always been pretty private… before this place, anyway…) I have never even kept a journal– not really, anyway.

I have never even kept a journal– not really, anyway. I do have a composition book in which I write meaningful quotes. A sample, out of a book I read a bit ago called Live by Night by Dennis Lehane (wonderful novel) goes: “Violence procreates. The children your violence produces will return to you as savage, mindless things, You won’t recognize them as yours, but they will recognize you. They will mark you as deserving of their punishment. They will punish you for the carelessness of their creation. Violence breeds violence. That is an absolute. But it never returns in a way you can predict.” (That was a “knock me down on my ass” moment reading that novel, and I had to write it down.)

But this blog is about the most open I have ever been. For example, I have never told anyone in here about some of the stuff I wrote in that holiday post I wrote. So this is all pretty new to me.

I suppose my reasons for blogging must go beyond the selfish, as I carry on doing it regardless of the response or lack of response, and deplete my ever-dwindling supply of postage with each entry. There must be some altruism there, right? Or perhaps not… maybe I just need to write to get some of the frustration of this place “off my chest” so to speak. Maybe this is my last flailing attempt at maintaining whatever I have left of my sanity, which can’t be much.

A place like this does change a person. I don’t care how mentally strong a person is– they cannot live in an environment like this for years and years and be the same as when they arrived. I believe I have mentioned watching others go insane in here, but I don’t think I have touched on realizing that you may be joining that crowd. I came in with some background in philosophy but at some point, it begins to become more and more difficult to “wax philosophic” concerning how a society deems people (even people they deem “bad”) and make any sense of it.

I came in with some background in philosophy but at some point, it begins to become more and more difficult to “wax philosophic” concerning how a society deems people (even people they deem “bad”) and make any sense of it.

I even wonder if perhaps my jailers are insane. (Not all of them, mind you, but certainly the ones in charge.) Some of them are not what you would call “the cream of the crop” of society, after all, and those seem to be the ones that advance most readily. (I have seen my share of petty, vicious, small-minded, lying reprobates climb the ladder to success at the Arizona Department of Corrections.)

I remember a time when prison guards would take off their uniforms before they went home because they didn’t want their neighbors to know what they did for a living. (And it wasn’t because the profession was bad…it was because of the reputation of the profession and those who performed it.) They were as bad as, or worse than, those whom they were hired to keep in cages. And that has not changed. The last I knew, about a quarter of the employees who work for ADOC have had felony contact with law enforcement but are given “preferential treatment” by the system because of their “high stress” jobs. And most of those continue to work for ADOC (except for the ones they can’t hide, which is rare– an ADOC corrections guard named Santiago that used to work for this unit who got a “sweet deal plea agreement” and is now sitting in protective custody right here in the Florence Complex prison for killing his own mother– if memory serves, he beat her to death with a cooking pan. I honestly can’t recall all the details…but please tell me again how the death penalty is supposed to be a deterrent? He worked on death row! But this example provides a reasonably accurate picture of many who work here.

But I feel I need to state here that I have seen decent people work here, too. But it must also be stated that most (not all, but surely most) of the good ones do not work for ADOC for very long. They see how fellow human beings are being treated and just cannot morally abide it…they leave the profession altogether. (Compassion is not just looked down upon here; it is vehemently and systematically discouraged.) And the ones that do stay, at some point they either lose their compassion or find a way to pretty thoroughly suppress it. I try to take all of this with the proverbial “grain of salt” but, wow, it is difficult sometimes.

As you might imagine, I have a great deal of time on my hands to think about things. I wonder if, on some psychological level, society just needs something to demonize and hate. When you step back and look, that statement is not as farfetched as it may seem at first gloss. If so, then I think I may be part of the element that serves that purpose.) Some people sure seem to have a lot of hate, though.) But I guess I can sort of look at it this way: At least I am “serving a purpose” right?

Anna tells me that she has received a few mean-spirited and petty emails concerning her role in helping me to reach out from this cage– really, people?!– I guess when you’re anonymous, it is easier to be rude. The internet was not all that big when I was on the outside. People seem more polite when they have to look you in the face. At least where I lived they were.

I would like to know what the issue is? What is it that people fear that makes them lash out like that? (Because, mark my words, they are afraid of something…I guarantee it!) And to lash out at Anna of all people… the gentlest, kindest human soul I have ever known.

But what is it? I live in a cage under sentence of death. I can’t hurt you. So, is your fear that people will know that I am not a sociopathic monster? That, hey, I’m just a person just like everybody else! And maybe people will start asking why someone ends up on death row, instead of assuming the solution lies in just committing another murder and that will solve everything. (Yeah, I’m not the sociopath here… I didn’t keep hundreds of people in cages only to strap them down and pump them full of caustic chemicals to kill them…can you imagine the trial on that one if anyone but the state did it?) But it’s me– us– that are supposedly the monsters…it’s perfectly fine for the state to murder us. Think about that absurdity for a moment… I’ll be honest, it makes me laugh when I consider the stupidity…but then again, my sense of humor has always been a bit warped.

I suppose I have rambled on long enough about nothing in particular. (The whole title of the blog does have “ravings” in there somewhere) and that is what this post is about…nothing. If I want anyone to take something away from it, I will refer you back to that quote from Live by Night: “Violence breeds violence.” If violence procreates, then what, as a society, do you breed by condoning what the state says it does in your name? Revenge is one thing, but you have to be able to sink your own teeth in a thing to get that. A sterilized little murder by proxy, tucked away from the sight of all but a select few witnesses? Now that is the act of a barbaric monster!

When I was on the outside, it was my habit to give gifts to those I care about on the eve of the Solstice (as I write, it is now that very day, the 20th of December). But as I sit destitute in a cage, that is lost to me (as are so many things) I will give you one of my creations in the form of a poem I wrote.

I was asked to write a blog on what my last day alive would be like. I wrote a poem entitled “The Pithing Pen” about a year ago, before I started writing to Anna or doing this blog. It is metaphorical but does get the point across.

Please remember to thank Anna, without whom none of this would be possible. Dear friend, words cannot express my fondness or my gratitude.

 

Ask Tod Anything: Part III

Welcome again to Muninn’s Roost. I am having a lot of fun with all these questions. Thank all of you for being so interested in my situation. Generally, people don’t understand what goes on in a place like this– or understand the justice system at all, really– until they or someone close to them becomes entangled in it. I am happy there is curiosity out there.

And, with that said, let’s get to more of these great questions.

12.) What are some of the silliest or dumbest rules and regulations that govern your day-to-day life? 

Wow, where do I start? They are mostly pretty silly and dumb. By policy, we must all have our trash can in a certain spot. (Oddly enough, it is the only spot in the tiny cage where it is out of the way, and everyone would put it there without that regulation.)

Then there is getting “strip searched” to go to the shower– about 30 feet. After you have handed them all your clothes, been searched, and put them back on, you pick up your bag that has your towel and soap in it. That bag could fit two hand grenades and a pistol, and they never ask to see it, which tells me the strip search is for the purpose of degradation and embarrassment rather than actual security reasons.

The rules they refuse to change– even though they have modified the purpose of the unit– are the ones that actually do harm, though. Where I am housed is an S.M.U. (“special management unit”) and was designed to house people who “have problems fitting into a prison environment”. (What that actually means is that it is a unit designed to punish violent convicts.) So it is a punitive unit in every sense and way. The environment is designed to make people uncomfortable to modify their behavior by making them not want to come back.

Mental health professionals have evaluated S.M.U.’s and have determined that they should not be used to house an individual for more than 6 to 8 months maximum or the mental stability of a person will begin to degrade.

Death row has been in this S.M.U. since 1997! That is nineteen years for those of you who do not want to do the math. And we are not here for punitive reasons. We are here because of the virtue of our crimes on the outside only– this is where death row is housed, and we are on death row, simple as that. So because of that, we are given smaller-portioned meals than someone out “on a yard”. (We are in fact only fed twice a day, while non-S.M.U. inmates on yards are fed three times.) I have not experienced darkness since I got here because the lights are always on. It is purposely kept hot enough in the summer that you sit in your cage and sweat doing nothing, and cold enough in winter that you have trouble staying warm. The list goes on and I could write pages on it but you get the idea. There are lawsuits finally going on concerning medical care…but even that will take years to hash out. So to answer your question, the silly rules one can put up with. It is the ones that are designed purposely to mentally degrade a person that are annoying.

13.) Tell us three things about your daily life on death row that might surprise us. 

Every day runs into the next there. It is very tedious because of its unchanging nature. So I will tell you about me. Perhaps I can surprise you a little bit:

• This “big bad convict on death row” likes to read poetry. I am very fond of Baudelaire and Poe. But I also like Longfellow, Blake, Byron, Coleridge… I find Kipling to be quaint and amusing… I could go on with my likes but you get the idea.
• I am a student of philosophy. (I like to think it…helps?…to keep me from falling too far into the abyss that is insanity.) I stick mainly with the metaphysicians, but I am familiar with all schools.
• And I am an artist. (Not that unusual in prison, actually.) But people say I have flair for drawing pretty flowers. I do draw other things as well, however.

I hope this answer did not leave you feeling cheated.

14.) Not counting lawyers, how many times have you had a face-to-face visitor in the last twelve months? 

The answer is zero! After one is locked up for a while, it seems people get tired of making the trip. (It is a fair piece.) My father was very regular…but he died four years ago this coming January.

15.) How would you want to be remembered by Anna and others in your life after you are gone? 

Likely the same as you want to be remembered by those in your life.

Yes, there are some individuals in prison that thrive on this environment and could live no place else…but most are just people, ground up by a system that is broken and tossed into a cage to try and survive in a world not of their making… a world that cannot be understood by anyone who has not experienced it. Words cannot come close to doing it justice.

16.) Is your execution something you think about daily? 

No, it isn’t. When somebody says, “Haul that one out and kill it!” then it will be my turn. No point in dwelling on it. I actually think that might be a contributing factor to the ones that go truly batshit crazy in this place. In a place like this, it is important to mentally remove oneself from the situation as often as possible.

17.) Have you decided on your last meal and words? 

Anna and I actually discussed this not too long ago, and I will tell you what I told her:

My last meal? I will eat whatever is on the menu that day for the meal. I don’t want those murdering bastards to feel any better about themselves by letting them think they did me some favor or kindness. Execution is nothing more than murder by proxy.

My last words? Don’t know yet. Might be something as simple as, “Slap this horse in the ass; I’ve got things to do!” or I might wax poetic and go on until they stop me. You will have to stay tuned to find out, I guess. I am sure the mood will dictate.

18. Is it unusual for someone to have been on death row as long as you have? Are you unique in being over fifty years old and on death row or is that fairly normal?

There have been four people to die of “natural causes” (whatever that means. I think it’s pretty “natural” to die when they pump you full of caustic chemicals myself.) since I have been here– one was in his eighties! (The funniest, or most tragic depending on how you look at it, was a heart attack while sitting on the toilet!) The longest I know of was killed a couple of years ago after 28 years on the row. (He was almost 80.) No, I am not unusual. There is another in his fifties on my block.

This is why it takes millions of tax dollars to execute someone. They are in the courts for decades! (The last time I totaled it up, the actual drugs cost about $77.00 but that was years ago.)

Talk to your congressman. Ask them why your tax dollars are being wasted when “natural life” means someone never gets out of prison. They die locked up, no chance of parole.

19.) Are you worried about physical pain in your last moments?

No. Pain is something I live with on survival levels every day. (I lived a hard life in the mountains of Colorado for a long time. Been in a motorcycle wreck or two, just “used my body” pretty good. I have a bad back, bad knees, a messed up shoulder…in short, I’m old.) Inadequate medical care means nothing is done for it.  Pain and I are old friends. Besides, as I already said in one of these Q&A posts, I can put up with most anything for fifteen minutes. I am not stressing on it.

20.) To what extent do you find the prospect of life without parole to be more appealing than what you currently face?

Good question… and the short answer is: I don’t. (See the above question as for why.) This is a topic of discussion on occasion in here, and most are in agreement that prison is no place to grow old. In my personal instance, I am currently physically able to work out and I do to an extensive degree, but someday I will not be able to, due to damage to my body from a fast, hard life. When that time comes (if it comes) I imagine I will become very sedentary due to lack of mobility. All the muscle I now maintain around my injured back, knees, etc. will atrophy and I imagine my pain will skyrocket. Not a pretty picture in a place where one is lucky to get an aspirin or an ibuprofen for pain. As stated above… prison is no place to grow old.

Well, I finally got through all the questions! You get a rest, Anna! (I am truly sorry for the voluminous nature of some of these answers. Please forgive me.)

As for my readers… thank you so much, and I am happy that you took the time to interact. I have some good suggestions for future blog posts, so stay tuned! Please, all of you take care.

And please remember, without Anna, none of this would be possible. (Yes, I wrote that and not she.) Again, thank you, Anna. And thank you, everyone, for stopping by the Roost!

Ask Tod Anything: Part I

[Anna’s Note: Submit questions for Tod anytime using this contact form and I’ll pass them along to him.]

Hello again, and I want to thank those of you who asked me questions! Being new to this blogging stuff, I am not real sure what anyone is interested in knowing, so questions help a lot.

I will try to answer all of them as best as I can in the order I received them, although there may be one or two that I will have to write a separate post about on their own. So don’t think I am ignoring you if it seems like your question is not getting answered this time around. You will just have to keep visiting Muninn’s Roost and I promise you will get an answer eventually.

So, as the old adage goes: “There are no bad questions; only bad answers.” (I hope I don’t give anyone one of those.)

Oh, before I begin, I have no names to go along with the questions (with the exception of Anna’s “favorite pseudonym” in the form of “Seymour Buttz”… I hear ya! I’ve been locked in a cage for a long time; I could put up with Seymour Buttz myself! Or seeing any butts, for that matter!)

But back to what I was saying… I have no names so I will just state the questions and answer them the best I can.

1.) Why are you on Death Row? 

Outside of general and basic answers, it is difficult to address questions of this nature, especially in so public of a forum. Let me explain. When someone is given the death penalty an appeal process begins immediately. This appeal process lasts up until the very instant that the caustic chemicals are pumped into a human’s veins. (Lethal injection is the method of execution in Arizona at this time.)

So other than generalities I will refrain from saying more than that I was convicted of killing two people.

However, my case is a matter of public record. The number is CV-03-1810-PHX-SRB. You can no doubt answer your own question with that.

I don’t attempt to hide anything with “non-answers”. It is simply  that my lawyer would jump up and down and scream at me for addressing such things so publicly.

2.) If you had to guess, how much time do you have left? 

Another question that presents difficulties… “the system” is very arbitrary and capricious so [answering this question] is impossible to do other than generalize.

Let me give an example of what I mean. Two men were convicted of committing the same crime. The system says they were both present, and both involved. One died about four years ago, executed by lethal injection. The other may have decades to go before he sees the same fate. Why? Because that is the way it is going to work for those two cases. It is like playing craps. Sometimes you roll your point; other times you crap out.

How long do I have? I will be here for a while. Long? Short? Can’t really chew a finer point than that, sorry.

3.) Do you believe yourself to be innocent or guilty of the crime for which you were sentenced to death? If you did do it, do you feel remorse about it? Do you think you deserve to die? 

I am going to have to refer you to the above answer I gave concerning appeals for some of this one. (No point repeating myself and boring people.)

“Do I feel remorse?” In general, contrary to what the system would have you believe (that those on death row are unfeeling sociopathic monsters) yes I am capable of feeling remorse, and do… about a great many things in my life… although I cannot get as specific as you might like, and I do apologize for that.

“Do I deserve to die?” Now there is a philosophical question… does anyone truly think they “deserve to die”? There are those who think it might be “easier” if they die, those who think life is too difficult and “give up on living… but to think one deserves to die… (and I mean truly “deserves” it)… Now, it is easy to think others deserve to die, but oneself? I may just have to make that the subject of a whole blog. I know I want to think about that one some more.

Interesting idea/topic… thank you… I will get back to you on that one.

4.) Do you agree with the practice of capital punishment on principle? Why or why not? How has being sentenced to death yourself affected your stance on the death penalty? If you do support the death penalty, do you feel that it is being applied appropriately in your particular case? Why or why not? 

I love philosophical questions! And these are good ones! (And yet another set I could make a whole blog post out of!)

Do I agree with the practice of capital punishment on principle? Some may find this difficult to believe, but in a word, YES! But there are a great many problems with it in practice. The big easy questions: whom do you apply it to? Why do you apply it? Who decides? My idea of who deserves it may (or may not) be different than yours. The reasons I think it may be appropriate could be vastly different than someone else’s.

So, who do you empower to make such decisions? Politicians? (That is who does it now!) Do you really want to rely on someone who lies, cheats, and even steals to get votes to hold a person’s life in their hands?

(I was actually told I was sentenced to die because the judge was up for re-election that coming year and a “tough stance on crime” would look good in his campaign!)

It was so much easier to answer questions like this before I personally became involved in the system.

There is actually a point in my appeal process that if someone came forward and said, “He didn’t do it! I did! He’s innocent!” it would not matter and the system would still kill me. How can a system, any system, that functions like that be trusted at all? Much less with someone’s life?!

So, while I may agree with the principle of capital punishment, I am intelligent enough to understand that it cannot be applied properly under the current system. It is simply too broken to do so. (I could give as an example this last presidential election cycle as ample evidence of that statement.)

I think I have answered all the parts of that question, if not to your satisfaction then please feel free to ask for clarification.

5.) Do you have any advice from the perspective of an inmate on what makes a pen pal good, and more specifically, what makes a first letter good or bad? Is there anything I [a prospective pen pal] should avoid asking or saying? What do you think an inmate on death row might like to know about me? 

First… “inmates”, simply put, are people. Their wants, desires, needs, likes, dislikes, etc. are just as varied as someone you meet out in the world. So you may “click” with a person you write to, or it may be a chore every time you get a letter. (Not everyone is as lucky as Anna– ha ha.)

So just try and see what happens. If it doesn’t work out, try not to get discouraged. You may find someone who can be a friend for years. (It is often easier to open up to someone that you will likely never meet.)

As far as what makes a good first letter? Just be yourself, open up only as much as you feel comfortable with. Tell them what your intentions are. (To be friends, to help them out, you’re bored because you have a lot of time on your hands and house pets are so messy…okay, maybe not that last one.) I personally kind of like to have a picture as that helps to personalize who you are writing to. (I sent a picture to Anna with my first letter for the same reason…and to get the “scare the crap outta her” part over with real quick…like ripping off a bandage.)

It would be irresponsible of me if I did not say be careful! This is a prison, and to be honest, there are a lot of people in here I would not invite to my home or allow around my family or anyone I care about. (Of course, writing a letter…that can be controlled and stopped at a whim if need be.) But still, care is needed.

One reader suggested that I write a future blog post about being a pen pal for someone on death row and I think that is a stellar idea. (There are a few in this place that I would/could actually recommend. Anna and I are friends and I mentioned that very thing to her before the blog started, that mail is always a welcome distraction to anyone who exists in this environment.) So I will expand more on the pen pal idea coming up in the future– as soon as I am able, in fact.

6.) How often do you interact with women?

Besides Anna? NEVER!

No… this is a male prison, so as you might imagine there are not many women around.

There are a few female guards, but as I have a kind of “us against them” attitude toward guards in general, my interaction with them is kept pretty professional from my side.

My lawyer is a woman…but she is a lawyer… so that pretty much says it all there. Saying “I keep it professional” would make it sound too friendly. (I simply can’t stand lawyers in general, although I can’t say I have had a relationship with any outside my involvement in the system.)

I have a daughter-in-law I love dearly. That is about it.

Why? You offerin’? Cause my contact information is there someplace!

I have a lot more questions to answer but I do not want Anna to wear her fingers down to the bone posting this stuff for me, so I will give her a break for right now.

Thank you so much for all the great questions and I promise I will get to all of them. I stopped before #7, Anna’s personal favorite, because I too like it and want to consider it before answering.

Take care, everyone, and thanks for your input!

(P.S. That joke about Anna being lucky to get me as a pen pal… in truth I am the lucky one! Very lucky!)